Well today is shaping up to be a strange day.  I feel pretty good.  I made amends with my friend that told me he wasnt going to be around to watch me self destruct.  I hope we will be ok.  He said he was proud of me for finding a new therapist and following through with it.  And I told him that I have been feeling better and he said he was glad.  I got up really early this morning 4 am…but I slept well.  My sister was online when I got up this morning.  We have not spoken in over 2 years.  She posted a picture on facebook and she looked so much like our Mom in the picture that I had to comment on it.  Then she sent me an email.  Come to find out she has moved and now lives like 5 miles from me.  She did not know where I live.  She also works in the mall that is right down the road from my apartment.  She gave me her address and phone number…I did not do the same.  Our relationship is so messed up.  She couldn't handle the nervous breakdown that I had over 2 years ago…she screamed into the phone that it was my fault that she was molested by my father (eventhough I was only a year old when it happened)…and that it is my fault that Mom died.  She doesn't need to blame me for that I spend enough time blaming myself (my Mom and I were arguing and the argument ended when she had a heart attack and died).  I miss my sister terribly but man she can be a wicked bitch.  She is afraid that I want her to take the place of our Mother but all I really want is for her to be my big sister.  I am very nervous to have opened that door…I am also excited to possibly have a relationship with her again seeing as she is pretty much my only family…but I feel like I need to proceed with caution.  I wonder how this is all going to work out.


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