People on this site have helped me to stay alive and off heroin. Sometimes I need to remind myself how important that is, because I get really frustrated with myself, and forget how far I've come in the past year. I had a period of absence from this joint, but I am trying to keep in touch with it more It's not like I've outgrown it's usefulness. Maybe, I would be better if I had stuck around more.
Impossible to say, I suppose.
I have kept in constant contact with a good friend who seriously saved my life last spring. He said he would get me through kicking, if I would try to gut it out. I was pretty dismissive of the offer. People had offered to "help me" before, and they generally had no idea what that would actually involve. And, he was working at a distance. He lives in Jersey. Pretty far from Chicago… but, he was serious, and he stayed up with me every night, making me laugh into the wee hours, when really shouldn't have been able to laugh at anything. It sucked, but I got through it.
I have to remind myself of these things, sometimes.
I kicked heroin. That's a big deal. That means something. I can't end up dealing with that all over again. I just don't know if I would make it through another go-round.
I said something to a friend tonight that didn't go over the way I would've hoped. I said it without thinking, but it was completely true, and well intended (it wasn't "I love you," by the way – I wouldn't bother being cryptic if it was that obvious). This person tried to square things once it became obvious that I was thrown, but I already felt odd about it. Sentimentality doesn't have much a shelf life.
I am supposed to see a doctor tomorrow, and my shrink later in the week. I am lousy with keeping medical appts or even keeping track of such things. I do well to take my meds every day. But, I have to get on top of this shit, because my mind and body are both in sorry shape.
I am seriously trying. This is Day 3 of not letting anyone see me acting crazy, which has generally meant avoiding human contact. Thankfully there are exceptions, so I am not going even crazier from being pent up with my thoughts. I talk to Ace, and I talk to Charlie. Everyone else, I have tried to keep at arm's length, for now. I know some people will think that's unhealthy, but I don't want people to see me like that. It would be like parading around the worst version of myself. I understand that bitch better than I would like to at this point, and I remember what I could be like.
As is, I snapped at Ace recently, twice, over nothing. The second time didn't even make sense. At least the first one had a thread of logic, even if it was reactionary crap.
The second time I snapped at him, I had said something about my pc being fucked up, and running a startup repair. I was already annoyed with him about something, and when he said "oh, so it's really fucked up," I mentally bounced to some memory of being annoyed (months and months ago) because I thought he was catastrophizing my pc issues (which I found annoying because… it was discouraging, I guess? Remember, I don't pretend this makes sense.), and I snapped, "why do you always have to make everything worse than it is?!" I said it without thinking, and (in this case) it was in fact false. (Funny how that can go either way.) As I said, it makes no sense. I realized this, and I immediately apologized, fairly profusely. Obviously (and luckily), Ace is a very patient friend.
Out of time for tonight. Charlie wants to watch Heroes on the pc. More soon…