What about the disabled people who can't speak or move? Why do you leave them? What about the one who has no friends? Why do you avoid them?
People are all nasty and make some nasty choices. Even i could be doing stuff to help people like that who end up in the same trapped place as i am but you avoid being there for them/ the time consumement of teaching them out of fear. That own fear is why people treat you so cruelly. I have just been sleeping and sleeping because there is nothing else to do. I need to get past the fact that it's so hard to go towards people and just do it despite bullying or whatever else i fear. It's funny how i have talked to some dangerous people in my life and one not long ago and i don't feel any fear but when it comes to bullying, even the slightest cruel look or people glancing at eachother and laughing, i really can't take that. I've probably even done it in the past when i thought it meant nothing though, even if i liked/ wanted to speak to the person. I so want to be there for people who need me but it's like there are none who do or i don't know how to find them. Being a good friend has nothing to do with your ability to make friends. Some people are so horrible and make friends so easily because people don't have to fear the bullying from outsiders. Even on this website i have no friends. I don't even know how your supposed to keep in contact with your friend list and if they even want contact but i'm ready to sacrifice about everything to just be 'in it' now. I no longer care if i look stupid, it isn't important.I don't know how to act at all. When i really want to speak to someone i pretend that life is so easy and that i'm so good which maybe puts them off but really it's the opposite and i go home and sleep during the day, unable to just go up to people. I need to get better at going up to people instead of letting them come up to me all the time. It's because i'm so used to people realising they don't like me so i'm terrified of that rejection again, it's so embarrassing and i don't know how to deal with it. I don't even know how i'm supposed to walk when i walk away or where i walk or what expression i'm supposed to have on my face. I'm scared to get personal with people online because they could be anyone but really i want to talk to all of you. When i get friend requests from absolutely nowhere or don't know where they come from i get a bit paranoid but really im here for all of you if you want to talk someone who's not all of the negative usual things thatregulars are.

I've got this horrible problem right now which puts me off doing so much. I've missed so much this year because of it making me avoid stuff and i really feel if it's incurable then theres not much good i'm going to get from life. I feel like God does things to you to punish you/ prevent you from being rewarded all your life so that you have to work for him.For example if you eat too many nice things then bad things happen to you. But some things's really arn't fair like health problemsbecause they also prevent human needs like excercise and socialising.

love you all for being here and reading my blogs, and thank DT so much
(this isn't bye or anything but i just need to start saying how i feel and give back a bit)

i really hate this blog so much, i'm starting to get really freaked out by how isolated i am.



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