Well my flare that lasted for 9 days has finally eased up to the regular pain and so forth so I'm glad about that and can function just a little better.  My depression on the other hand is driving me crazy.  One minute I'm up and doing things and then 5 minutes later I'm on the couch ready to cry.  That's been going on all day long!  I found I couldn't really cuddle the baby today for some reason I just can't so it's a good thing he's been sleeping most of the day and will be goin home soon.  I love him dearly don't get me wrong but I'm tired from getting up so early and going to bed to late and not sleeping much so I know that has a lot to do with it.  I went last night and bought a CD for relaxation hearing the water crash up against the shores reminding me of when I used to go sit on the beach especially at night and just listen to the ocean talk to me.  The CD does help me relax and go to sleep I just wish I could stay asleep.  I wonder what it feels like to wake up feeling good and having a good day?  I've thought back about that and can't ever remember a day like that….at night time when I'm not asleep I hear voices of one of my kids calling me, "mom" "mom" and I look and no one is there but the voice was my daughter. I get up to make sure she is ok and she's asleep.  One night I heard my son's voice saying "mom look" and when I opened my eyes and looked he was standing there in  his fatigues like he was ready to leave for the war.  I stared at him for what seemed like forever but was just a few seconds and then he was gone.  I swear it was so real I felt if I reached out and touched him he would be real.  He doesn't live with me though so that wasn't possible.

I have dreams of living in a house just me and my fiance and having the kids come over to visit or babysit the little ones but by the end of the day they go home and we have our little house with the garden in the back where I grow flowers and a vegetable garden and working in the yard.  Just a small house like my sons with a big kitchen to cook and bake….it's a dream that will never happen….it's like my  name snowdreamer….dreams are like snowflakes they are beautiful but then they melt away…..


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