Thank you Sourus and Paris.

 Thanks to some feedback I've re-read my last blog and tried to get to the root of whats going on. I am in pain but I can handle pain and don't often complain that much about it… in writting anyway. What is really hitting me right now is a whole heap load of fear. Fear that I won't be able to hold onto my sobriety if the pain gets worse. Fear of doctors giving out painkillers like candy (which is what kept me from going for so long). Fear that it's my fault that I'm getting worse because I didn't see a doctor sooner. And fear that I put it off for so long because I hoped it would get worse and I'd get the free pass. The golden moment when I could use without guilt because I had suffered and struggled blah blah blah blah.

I've heard that you can't have faith and fear in the same house. That may be true for some people but I guess I'm emotionaly ambidexterous. Either way I don't know whether I let fear in or whether fear owns the house, but I'm pretty sure that I kicked faith right out the door about a week ago and my suffering increased. So I got down last night (Kneeling isn't posible right now but laying face down will get you pretty humble) and let faith back in.

The doctors office called today and pushed back my appointment. So Now I get the opportunity to wait it out but with more awareness and less suffering. I called some addicts and didn't talk about hurting physicaly but did share about my fear and about the moment when I started lossing faith. I did something nice for someone else just because the mood struck me.

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