I'm not sure why I fear death.
I tried reading reasons why I should not fear it. And that has thus incited a panic attack.
My arms feel like jelly. I feel out of it, I feel nauseous, I have pains all over my body. I really, really don't like this. Really.
I know thatI living things die, and that dying is a way in which I become closer to God. He calls me home, to live with Him in Heaven. I know that I will end up in a beautiful place, free of suffering and torment.
But I am so afraid of dying now. At this very instant. I know that, when I am old and gray, I will be ready for death. Aren't most elders? When I have done everything I need to do, I will be ready. But I have not done all that I need to do. I guess… maybe I do not know my purpose. Maybe I will feel better if I discover or create a purpose for myself, that someday will align with God's purpose for me.
Purpose 1: To do well in school, to go to a good college, to accumulate as much knowledge as I possibly can. Then to pass all of that knowledge onto my children and possibly others as a teacher or college proffessor.
Purpose 2: To eventually get a job that earns decent pay, and give as much of that pay as I can to help others.
Purpose 3: To marry and have children that will help me help the world. To teach my children to love God and all of His creations, and to help all of those who are in need.
Purpose 4: To be happy. I know it seems hard, but eventually I will attain this.
I'm not sure how to deal with this anxiety. My parents are looking into getting me a new doctor, one with whom I feel more comfortable talking. With my dad working for the city, my parents may be able to get a doctor to help me without any costs to my parents, which makes me feel better about my condition. At least my parent's money wont be leaving them so quickly.