This is my first blog, i think i have been anxious all my life but only in the past few years i have realized this.  When i was a kid i was constantly on edge and had to be prepared for any situation (being stabbed, kidnapped), I also fantasised about being a hero. I'm 21 now and i'm still on edge but now i'm consciously aware of everything I do and I am pretty much in a permanent state of self analysis.

I find it hard to place my fear of being attacked as I have had no real traumatic attacks to fear.  The only thing I can think of is that I have inherited it from my parents, my mother suffers from anxiety and has been on antidepressants ever since I was born.  She tells me my father should be on them as well as he has a head full of negative thoughts.

I used to be depressed when i was in my early to late teens, i found out my mum had an affair 18months before she split with my dad. I was the only one who knew. I didn't tell anyone. My mother also had cervical cancer which kept coming back, she is fine now. I also witnessed my best friend hang himself when i was 17. I used to think about it every day for about 2 years and feel sorrry for myself. I still think about it now but I have managed to remove most of the emotion associated with the memory. He didn't die, i held him up while he kicked me in the face unitl he agreed to stop struggling so i could support him. He moved in with me as he needed help.

I have now moved to sheffield and have some great mates and i am living rent free on a mate's floor and should be having the time of my life. I shouldnt have any worries now but i always find something. at present i am worried about my mental health. I split up with my girlfriend of 6 1/2 years earlier this year. I still love her and probably always will. I split up so I could sort my head out. I regret it massively now but i was really depressed at the time and thought i needed a fresh start. the anxieties and depression caught up with me fairly soon though. 

I did use to drink a lot from about aged 14 regularly. I went through a phase of smoking weed when i was 15 throughout the summer. since then I only seldom take drugs (weed,  mdma, cocaine, e , ketamine, speed) very rarely and never to excess. of all the times i only enjoyed e and mdma once, the other times i just felt worse anxious and paranoid.

I now don't take drugs or drink. this has helped massively with the depression and helped me see things clearer.  However I still have an underlying anxiety that i cannot shake off.  I exercise regularly (everyday if i can) and eat very healthly. I have tried to combat anxiety this way but it is not going away. tomorrow I am going to the doctors, he has recommended that i take the medication for a while but i've always asked to try once more being even more healthy, sober and active. but i have done as much as i phyically can now.

 

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