I feel so sick of myself.  So disgusting and worthless…  I can’t say anything that isn’t moronic or pointless.  I hate myself, and I want to hurt myself.  I feel like no one hears me screaming about how desperate I am, or how close I feel to the edge.  Maybe, people have just gotten sick of hearing me whine.  They don’t take it seriously, anymore.  Sometimes, I almost feel dared to go through with it.  I know that makes no sense, but I am a wounded person, and I don’t really think straight these days. 

I never see Jordan, anymore.  I am unable to get myself out the door to hang with Mags, most days.  Of the long distance friends I actually talk to, one seems to think I am an idiot (I am not sure why he even talks to me, given what he seems to think of my intelligence – I feel like I am often being judged, and found to be lacking), and the other is struggling himself (with similar issues – we try to help each other, but lately, I just feel like a worthless jack ass).  There is very little that keeps me holding on.  A lot of odds and ends, but very few things that stand up to the pain I feel.  I designated this time to get shit done, and as usual, I don’t have the will or strength to do anything.  I am paralyzed with anxiety and self loathing and I just can’t stand myself right now.  I want to scream, but no one who cares would hear.  I would just annoy the neighbors.