i'm not exactly sure what has or how it has happened, but everything has started to completely fall apart this past week. i thought i was doing really well, but maybe happiness just isn't in the stars for me. i can't stop crying and i'm certain i can feel my heart literally breaking within my chest. as a whole i feel like i'm falling apart. everything hurts. all of the good things i had to hold onto are slipping away. my boyfriend and i haven't really been talking, everything's been so stressful. i haven't talked to him at all today and he hasn't returned my phone calls. how do you tell someone you love them and then ignore them? i've spent so much time, so much money. i have conquered fears and still it doesn't seem to be good enough. nothing makes sense. this is killing me. he's going to leave just like everyone else. no one stays. something about me drives everyone away. i can't sleep, i have no one to talk to. at times i'm sure that if i didn't live with my family, if it wasn't so close to christmas and i had the guts i would just blow my brains out. anxiety and depression are the only constants in my life and they have been for as long as i can remember, but they don't make very good friends. i just want to feel okay, i want to feel special, i want to feel needed, i want to feel loved. i feel none of these. i keep praying that god will just take this feeling away, because i can't fucking stand it anymore. i keep asking him why he brings things and people into my life if he' s just going to take them away. why don't i get good things? i never get any answers. i'm losing it.

3 Comments
  1. lovemeiris 12 years ago

    I wish i could make you feel better. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm going through it too. So, i know exactly how you feel. Just know you're truly not alone. I would like to think, things happen to make us stronger. Hang on because we only live once and even though life can be sucky at times. It still worth living. It's worth having your family around. It's worth waking up every morning. It's worth thinking that, this is a journey of believing in yourself.

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  2. pixieflower 12 years ago

    Sorry you are feeling like this. I wish I could take it all away, but sadly I cant. Just know your not alone, we all have feeling that we are falling apart not knowing whats going to happen next. But its part of life. I'm glad to hear you are praying! Just remember something- God doesn't give you more then you can handle!

    Those words help me so much, and I really hope they help you! Why god puts people in our lives that aren't going to stay forever or be friends or so fourth is because he wants you to know "he will always be by your side" Even when things are rough and you cry, scream, yell or whatever pray to him for comfort and soon once you realize that he made you grow stronger with him it makes you a better person.

    Sorry to hear about what you and your boyfriend are going through. But remember you dont need him to be alive. I hope you realize that you are a special person and you dont need a man to tell you or be with you to make you feel whole. You are perfect in God's eyes and you WILL find a man who will appreciate you for who you are, maybe this guy isn't the one or maybe he is. But have faith in yourself, life is worth living. Dont give up!

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  3. dutchie 12 years ago

    Aww A.  I hug you first and foremost. Are you and your BF just speaking less because of it being a busy time? I mean are you sure that it's really about some sort of problem between the 2 of you?  I hate to generalize but I'll say – in my experience sometimes guys don't know they aren't paying enough attention – not all – but just sometimes and some guys. 

     

    He hasn't left and I know you're expressing what you fear, but it has not happened.  He has not left.   How do you feel your efforts have not been good enough?.. Ok money spent – fine –  you'll make more… time spent – it wasn't for naught and the part about you conquering fears – regardless of what happens -you have a lot to be proud of there, don't take that away from yourself.  YOU did that.   You deserve to feel special and needed and loved.  I know you're scared of what's happening right now but it may not be as bad as you think? I hope thats the case.

     

    I think those of us that are so incredibly blessed (sarcasm)  with anxiety/depression – what have you..  have a tendency to catastrophize things, I know for a fact that I certainly do.  Often what I think or fear is happening, is not really happening.  Things I fear I'm losing, people I fear I'm losing are often not going anywhere – I am just scared of it.  Take some deep breaths, give it a little time and if need be just ask him straight up: Whats going on? Lately I feel less important to you… "

     

    Be good to yourself, you're a brilliant and beautiful girl. You're not losing it, you're just overwhelmed….  xxxx

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