Feeling a bit lost and out of touch.
I recently moved to a new country. It’s nice, it’s smaller and quieter. I have my parents and sisters with me who are the most important to me, but I miss my friends and the rest of my family.
Everyone seems to be settling in well. Dad loves his job and has a huge circle here, one of his best friends lives here too. Mums becoming close to dad’s friends’ wives and she’s met a lot of people. My sisters like their new school, they’ve also made friends and are doing well.
I’m currently job hunting, the employment situation for graduates isn’t great here, it’s difficult to find an entry level position with the very little opportunities. I had such high hopes, the possibilities seemed endless, but after actually coming here I feel like I’ve been slapped right across the face.
I don’t go school, I don’t go work, there’s no one around my age amongst the people my family know, so I don’t know anyone outside home.
When I moved here, I spent all my time worrying about my family. I felt so scared and anxious that they wouldn’t be happy here, that they would be lonely. We gave up a lot to move here and I didn’t want anyone to have regrets. I wanted them to be happy. Every day, this fear circled my mind and made its way around my whole body. I still worry and hope things continue to go well for my loved ones… but somewhere along the way I caught a glimpse of myself. I’m lonely. I’m scared.
They ask are you happy, I don’t even think about how I feel, it’s an automatic yes. I don’t want them to see how I really feel and I don’t know why. I feel like a loser, unemployed and friendless. I’m sad. I know it’ll be okay, I know things will get better, I know I have to stay strong and hang in there, but what about right now? In this moment, every day I feel like I’m slipping a little more.
Everyone else is building their life here, but I just I don’t know. I feel useless, I can’t do anything.
It’s hard to talk to people back home. I feel embarrassed of myself and the situation I’m in. I can’t face them. So much has changed with this move, there’s some people who I feel more distant to, there’s some people I find myself avoiding. I don’t want to lose anyone I love, but there’s something inside me, I try to fight against myself but I feel like I physically cannot face them.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what to do. There comes a point where it’s difficult to fake a smile. I practise in front of the mirror, if I can’t believe it then who will, I have to be convincing. I’m the mood maker, the one that always laughs, the one that is always talking, the light-hearted goofy one yet the one who takes care of everyone… so if I act slightly out of character, if I’m a little quiet, they’ll see me, and I can’t have that. Sometimes I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.
I’m tired.
I know very well the kind of melancholy you are describing. I also know – all too well – the ramifications of keeping feelings pent up and unexpressed. It is never healthy to stifle what you are feeling. Definitely wait for an appropriate/safe time and place to express your feelings, but you MUST express them. Even if only to a pet or journal. You simply cannot keep your feelings bottled up without creating more problems for yourself down the line. Pent-up feelings results in stress, which can result in physical symptoms if left to fester: headaches, body aches, restless sleep, appetite changes, weight changes, irritability, unhealthy/self-destructive tendencies, depressed mood, etc. Having feelings – and expressing them – is what makes us all human. No human being has 365 “insta-worthy” days in a year. Hell, most of us barely have one a month! Life is not all sunshine and rainbows and smiles and laughter. Life is also crying out of loneliness, frustration or regret. It’s being angry at yourself for skipping a workout, or eating an extra slice (or two) of pizza, because you were too stressed or tired to fight your bad habits on that particular day. No human being is immune to bad days, no matter what they may want others to think.
I don’t know anything about the situation you’re in, but I bet it’s not nearly as bad as you think it is. Everyone does things they regret. It’s part of the human experience – and part of how we learn and grow. Sometimes we fail miserably at something new while doing it in front of others. And yes, there are certainly people who take joy in reminding others of their past shortcomings. But you know what? The audience for those kind of people gets bored easily and moves on to the next person’s mistake very quickly.
As for feeling compelled to avoid those you love… I can relate to that. I felt that a lot before I went back to therapy in the fall of 2018. And you know what I learned? I was “over-functioning.” In other words, I was spending too much time taking care of others, and not nearly enough time taking care of myself. Everyone needs personal space from time to time. It doesn’t mean you don’t love someone. The key is to be able to communicate when you need that space, and I sense that you may not know how to do that. I think that you should, though.
I hope you find some of this helpful.
@SullenGirl76
Thankyou for listening, i didn’t know if anyone was going to read this, i guess i just wanted to let it out.
You’ve said some things that i didn’t see before, thank you.
Sometimes when its yourself whose facing a situation, its difficult to see things clearly and find a way out, a bit of wisdom or simply some kind words from the outside can help a lot.
No thanks necessary, Teee. I am happy to listen and, if I can, offer some insight. And yes, you are exactly right. It can be hard to see a situation clearly when you are the person involved. That’s why it is so important to reach out to others. Those not in the situation usually have a better perspective on it and, even if that isn’t the case, it helps to get it out and to be treated with patience and kindness in the process. 🙂