Right now I'm not in a good mind set at all. I'm so overwhelmed by my life. This blog is basically for me to vent, so it may not make sense. I just want to be able to write it all down so I can feel better.
I started taking some weight loss drops last week. I was all excited about them until I actually read whats in them. One of the ingredients is oleander. Now I know it's diluted and everything, but c'mon! that's a known poison. I'm mad and anxious. Not overly anxious, but slightly disturbed that I've been putting that in my mouth for days now. I was taking more than directed as well so I'm sure that's no good. I'm kind of irritated that they're even allowed to sell this stuff over the internet. I just assumed it'd be fairly safe…apparently not. I don't care how diluted it is, it's stupid to take anything that is known to be very, very harmful.
This gives me a whole new problem now. My weight. I was looking at this as my last hope. The one thing that was going to allow me to lose it so I can live with confidence again. Now that too has been shattered. I wanted so badly for these to help so I could feel like I'm human again. Right now I feel like an unappealing monster. As much as we don't like to admit it…men, as well as most people, don't think twice about an overweight woman. I know this from experience. The obvious answer is to control my eating habits right? Well for reasons I'm not even sure of I just can't seem to do that anymore. It's a cycle. I lose a little, I get more depressed and I overeat..then I gain and it just keeps going.
I'm also stressed because I've been talking to this guy for quite some time now, and he keeps pushing to meet, and I really want to, but I wanted to slim down first. I don't want his first impression of me to be that I'm overweight. So now I keep putting that off, and I'm running out of excuses here to tell him.
Of course the constant health problemsof some of my family members stresses me out beyond belief! I'm not scared to die, but I am scared of losing anymore people that I love. I get so paraoid about this that I check people and the animals numerous times a night..just to make sure that they seem ok. It's bothersome because i'm freaking tired! I want to sleep, but I feel like I can't. My body won't relax because I'm in a constant state of adrenaline..that fight or flight response. I'm always ready for something awful to happen.
Even when I do sleep it isn't peacefully. I have dreams of my fears coming true, and I usually wake up exhausted and upset. I've been really throwing around the idea of getting back on meds again, because trust me it's needed, but I just can't bring myself to actually go see a new doctor.
I know most of my issues aren't caused from my weight, but in my mind if I could just get back to where I used to be then somehow everything else will fall into place. I could get married, and have some babies, and just be happy. I feel like this will never happen for me. Like it's possible for everyone else, but simply isn't for me. I'm not capable of functioning in the real world anymore. I've been out of normal society for so long that I can't imagine doing the everyday things like everyone else anymore.
I keep kind of hoping that somene will just be able to save me. I don't know how, since I let no one in, but I just hold out fora hero figure to keep me from destroying myself. I want happiness. I don't ask for much. All I want is to love and be loved. Sadly, that's the hardest thing to find in this evil world. There is plenty of good, but it's hidden beneath layers of sin and destruction.
I wish I could trade my brain in for someone elses. Someone who can sleep at night, and someone who doesn't worry about everything, and someone who didn't have to check everything a certain number of times. I get so tired of checking, and counting, and just the constant storm of thoughts that race through my mind every second.
Most of my young years have been ruined by own mental problems. All I want is to start enjoying life. I've been blessed a lot, and I don't take that for granted at all. I only wish my mind would let me enjoy it every now and then.