Right now I'm not in a good mind set at all. I'm so overwhelmed by my life. This blog is basically for me to vent, so it may not make sense. I just want to be able to write it all down so I can feel better.

I started taking some weight loss drops last week. I was all excited about them until I actually read whats in them. One of the ingredients is oleander. Now I know it's diluted and everything, but c'mon! that's a known poison. I'm mad and anxious. Not overly anxious, but slightly disturbed that I've been putting that in my mouth for days now. I was taking more than directed as well so I'm sure that's no good. I'm kind of irritated that they're even allowed to sell this stuff over the internet. I just assumed it'd be fairly safe…apparently not. I don't care how diluted it is, it's stupid to take anything that is known to be very, very harmful.

This gives me a whole new problem now. My weight. I was looking at this as my last hope. The one thing that was going to allow me to lose it so I can live with confidence again. Now that too has been shattered. I wanted so badly for these to help so I could feel like I'm human again. Right now I feel like an unappealing monster. As much as we don't like to admit it…men, as well as most people, don't think twice about an overweight woman. I know this from experience. The obvious answer is to control my eating habits right? Well for reasons I'm not even sure of I just can't seem to do that anymore. It's a cycle. I lose a little, I get more depressed and I overeat..then I gain and it just keeps going.

I'm also stressed because I've been talking to this guy for quite some time now, and he keeps pushing to meet, and I really want to, but I wanted to slim down first. I don't want his first impression of me to be that I'm overweight. So now I keep putting that off, and I'm running out of excuses here to tell him.

Of course the constant health problemsof some of my family members stresses me out beyond belief! I'm not scared to die, but I am scared of losing anymore people that I love. I get so paraoid about this that I check people and the animals numerous times a night..just to make sure that they seem ok. It's bothersome because i'm freaking tired! I want to sleep, but I feel like I can't. My body won't relax because I'm in a constant state of adrenaline..that fight or flight response. I'm always ready for something awful to happen.

Even when I do sleep it isn't peacefully. I have dreams of my fears coming true, and I usually wake up exhausted and upset. I've been really throwing around the idea of getting back on meds again, because trust me it's needed, but I just can't bring myself to actually go see a new doctor.

I know most of my issues aren't caused from my weight, but in my mind if I could just get back to where I used to be then somehow everything else will fall into place. I could get married, and have some babies, and just be happy. I feel like this will never happen for me. Like it's possible for everyone else, but simply isn't for me. I'm not capable of functioning in the real world anymore. I've been out of normal society for so long that I can't imagine doing the everyday things like everyone else anymore.

I keep kind of hoping that somene will just be able to save me. I don't know how, since I let no one in, but I just hold out fora hero figure to keep me from destroying myself. I want happiness. I don't ask for much. All I want is to love and be loved. Sadly, that's the hardest thing to find in this evil world. There is plenty of good, but it's hidden beneath layers of sin and destruction.

I wish I could trade my brain in for someone elses. Someone who can sleep at night, and someone who doesn't worry about everything, and someone who didn't have to check everything a certain number of times. I get so tired of checking, and counting, and just the constant storm of thoughts that race through my mind every second.

Most of my young years have been ruined by own mental problems. All I want is to start enjoying life. I've been blessed a lot, and I don't take that for granted at all. I only wish my mind would let me enjoy it every now and then.

2 Comments
  1. sweetblueeyed 10 years ago

    im so sorry i know how you feel, im trying to give it to god myself!

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  2. morethanthis 10 years ago

    Hi Sarah,

    don\'t take diet pills….they are bad, alot of them will get your adrenlin going even more which as you know is not a good thing. Exercise is the best thing because it releases endorphins. I hate exercising in public so I go for a walk at night, i don\'t know if its safe for you to do that but you can do things inside.

    I\'m sorry but you are wrong about guys and weight. Sure there are s guys out there that are obsessed with model like figured girls but thats only because they feel so low in their self esteem that they need a girl that they think people will say – he must be an alright guy he has a model thin girl. He wont ever be able to love you….because he cant love or accept himself as a decent worthwhile human being.

    I bet when you say overweight, that you are exaggerating. I was model thin once and yes, I got alot of attention but it was purely for my looks and in the end i still felt bad because i then thought guys only liked me for how i looked.

    You see, you have to like your body first and your confidence in it and who you are will shine through. That is what guys are attracted to.

    Also, its about chemistry between two people, either its there or its not. Its not to say one or the other is not an attractive person but chemistry is built on the whole person, not just what they look like. I know in the past I have met attractive men and after 5 min I think, i feel know connection, the attraction then goes. it doesn\'t mean I think anything less of them, its just not there. Simply, its our biological makeup.

    If you and this guy have been talking for a while then there is a good chance he is attracted to you as whole not just what you look like.But you have to believe that you are worthy of being loved, which you are. You are intelligent, caring, kind, insightful, you have a beautiful face, beautiful eyes, the windows to your soul.

    Even if it doesn\'t work out at least you are getting out there and meeting people and the more you do it the better you get at it and your self esteem grows.

    I met my boyfriend on facebook and he wasn\'t my type but his smile and his eyes drew me to him. What created the chemistry was the conversations we had. He knows about my anxiety but he knows that most of the time I like what I look like, I like who I am. I have days when I don\'t feel attractive and he knows it and reassures me. We have had some major problems but because we love each other we will get through it and he\'s most attracted to me when I\'m feeling happy and confident and vice versa.

    When I learned to like myself as a whole I stopped seeing all the little flaws, that everyone has, and only saw the good things about me.

    I\'m not thin and I\'m not overweight, just average and I learned to dress to suit my shape. Find something that highlights your best features and be confident and positive and meet this guy.

    There are no knights in shining armour, there is just a strong you hidden inside all your fears and doubts, let her out, show your self what you are capable of. Its only you holding you back.

    If you need the meds again, then make that your goal to go see the doctor and get help. The meds are tool to help you be able to come the person you want to be….but you will never be perfect, no one is and why would you want to be, thats too much for anyone to live up to and completely impossible anyway.

    Look after your self and be kind to your self.

    xxx

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