I have had a wicked couple of days doing things for myself and not feeling like I am relying on my boyfriend so much. On monday I went out with a friend for dinner and caught up, then yesterday I worked (and I love my job), then went to a zumba class. It felt great to be able to just forget about the depression for longer than a couple of hours.

Now I feel like crap. I've been looking forward to today coz I was gonna give the house an overhaul and clean every nook and cranny. But this morning I just couldn't find the motivation to get up and do anything. Emotionally I felt ok, but just didn't feel up to anything. My boyfriend said he would be home at around 4.30 and I didn't expect him home then coz it's a bit earlier than he usually is and he's very unreliable when it comes to time. So I cleaned a bit and did some washing etc and when he wasn't home on time I wasn't disappointed, which is unusual for me and very good. But when he actually got home he didn't get out of his car for about 10 mins n I was excited to see him and waiting. I started getting annoyed that I was standing waiting for him and he still didn't come out (he couldn't see me so he didn't do it on purpose). Then he came in and I felt anxious and uneasy. So I set up a game of pool for us to play. He didn't even notice when he walked in. I don't really know how I felt about that, he said hello and all that and then I carried on hanging washing and he kept reading his phone (email or something). Then I told him I was feeling a bit on edge and uneasy and he didn't hear me coz he was reading, so that frustrated me even more. He then told me that he has to see his mum tonight (she wants to talk to him in private about some big secret that he doesn't even know yet) and can we have dinner at his parents place. I got pissed off at this, we've seen then for the last few days straight and I have to work hard to be happy and boistrous around them. And whenever we go there we always end up leaving so late. He doesn't seem to understand that when I see my family I love it, but thats because I only see them every couple of weeks. When I got upstairs and sat down to write a blog about how my mood changes so fast the phone rang. He answered it and it was my mum, I indicated that I didn't want to talk but he said "yes she's here" anyway! I gave him the finger coz this made my insides boil!!! Then I got angrier coz why would that make me so angry?? It took me a while to calm down and I settled right down when I spoke to mum, then dad. I feel so anxious right now. 

Then when I hung up I felt like I was going to explode. I hate how I feel right now! Why do I feel like screaming and smashing things?? It all happened so fast, why am I not calm and happy like I was half an hour ago????

I fucking HATE depression!!

1 Comment
  1. hippychik87 12 years ago

    wow thats really insightful, thanks. I calmed down a bit and spoke to my boyfriend about it and he pretty much said the same thing as you did, except yours was cooler šŸ™‚

    I feel like I've discovered this uncontrollable control freak since I've become depressed. I don't like the feeling I get when things don't go my way, and having it described as being "surprised into anger" makes me feel so much less unreasonable and freakish.

    Thanks šŸ™‚

    0 kudos

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