I feel like I’m some kind of holic. Because much like those people who have a serious addiction I am so afraid I will relapse. I would not relapse back to drinking alcohol or using drugs but into a state of depression so severe I can find no way to cope but to end my life. Which when you think about it has the same effects on friends and family as people who do have a serious addiction. I mean look at a person who is depressed and a person who has an addiction they both want to sleep all the time, they have to avoid certain situations. For instance they are always afraid to be alone for fear of relapse. What goes on with them is devastating to their relationships, work, and life in general.

But what is my addiction? Is it to pain? I obviously don’t want to feel pain if I would go to the measure of killing myself to get away from it. Or was my moment just to punish myself for feeling bad about what has happened to me. Or simply to relieve those who had to deal with me and see my pain reflected on me, but did I not hide it well? I thought I had. I knew Daniel had to know with my nights of screams and constantly stopping him during sex and shying away in fear if we had a slight disagreement. I tried to push him away even I knew I was not right I did not know what right was but when you are wrong when your not put together like everyone else is then you can feel the gravity shift differently around you. It moves less easily than it does around others, you don’t understand how or what it means when your right in the middle of it but you know its there none the less.

The thing is after what has happened to me I have been permanently altered into something else. I don’t know what exactly changed or broke or maybe became wiser in a way I never wanted to be, but it’s made me different. My difference means I cannot be alone, I cannot live just an ordinary life I have to live better or die. There are no sub-par options for me. I have to live healthy and do things that make me happy I can’t overdue myself or deprive myself of sleep or skimp on the nutricous food, or exercise. I must maintan a certain level of happiness or I will fall into depression and then I will die.

Depression is my disease. Like alcoholism or diabetes we must make changes to keep ourselves alive. I don’t necessarily have to stay away from bars or keep a food diary but I have to manage my happiness which means my health and doing things that create chemical reactions in my brain that tell me I’m happy.