suicidal codependence is what i term staying alive because you dont want to hurt the ones you love. in other words besides being a bit afraid of the great unknown i tend to stick around because i dont want to hurt my mom, 2 siblings, and maybe a few friends and a woman who i am hopelessly in love with as she is with me. getting strong some days i think IT WILL GET BETTER and sometimes it does. a part of me doesnt even want it to get better though. i just want it all to end. i know i have much to be grateful for- my physical health is quite good as where enough folks around the world would give about anything to have things that have been robbed from them or they never had- one example sight. i am so ungrateful. i am sober now, i have a car, place to live, food, i even have a lady close to me who likes to please me and treats me well but my heart and soul are with my true love who is so far from me but i dont know how i can ever make a life for us. my profession has bascially been dissolved. i have the opportunity to go to school but live in fear that it will be a waste since there will be no jobs in what ever field i choose and dont even know what the hell i want to do. america is turning to shit and we all know it and the rest of the world appears to be following close behind. i barley get any joy in anything now days and that includes sex. smiles and laughter are fading memories and when they do come they are so false i feel like a actor. i know i am not alone in my feelings here but the emptiness or as my name implies abyss is gaining momentum like a meteor heading towards a fantastic collision. i dont want to be awake anymore i am going back to bed. yes my real bed not inferring ending things right now.