What follows is just a stream of consciousness. I don’t want to stress too hard about structuring this or worrying about grammar.

I’m just very sad today.

There’s been a lot to deal with and a good bit of suicidal ideation over the past few weeks. I feel like I’ve hit yet another crossroad and I have no idea how to make decisions anymore. I started journaling again last week and thought maybe sharing could have a cathartic effect.

This site is a mixed bag for me now-a-days. I have a bit of a past here — I’ve made friends and met people on this site who’ve impacted my life in various ways. Fortunately, it seems they’ve all moved on. I’m back, however, and I’m disappointed to say I’m in nearly the same state as before and I’m lamenting… something. Everything. Time lost, maybe. Past decisions. Lack of past decisions. Lack of control.

I never thought I was going to make it this far. I was sure something would happen.

I’ve noticed that a weird compartmentalization effect seems to happen when I have to go out and meet my friends. I feel as if I’ve learned to lock most of my issues and feelings deep inside and if I can filter the interaction in just the right way I can get through it seeming fairly normal. I’ll just be a shell of a person. This has led me to suspect that maybe nothing is even really wrong with me at all.

I’ve been off my meds for more than a year. I couldn’t afford them anymore and decided to roll the dice.

I feel like I’ve lost touch with my emotions. Emotions in the past have been almost exclusively painful and in the past few weeks I’ve grown to suspect I’ve been floating through this time disassociated from them. I confess that I don’t fully understand the term, but lately when I’ve come across something that makes me feel slightly alive I get hit by an enormous wave of terrifying emotion that is so frightening that I pull way back. This can make me seem distant and very private but everyone probably deserves to feel something good.

The past few years have been some of my least productive in every regard.

  1. quiet1 4 years ago

    I can totally understand how you feel. I have been a loner all my life. I always thought that I would live and die by myself. I was fine with that until I went back home and met the lady I had been corresponding with.

    She was everything I wanted in a woman and then some.
    When we parted I was hoping that we would maintain our relationship. However, she became cold and distant. It really broke my heart. Our time together was magical although it wasn’t anything sexual. I had a taste of heaven (something that I never thought I would have).

    It felt really good to have a lady in my life even briefly. Now I am afraid to be alone, have panic attacks because I begin to think that I will be alone for the rest of my life. When I am at work I can’t concentrate on anything. I am neither here nor there. I feel my heart palpitate.

    It’s just scary and worsens my anxiety and depression.

    I would do anything to have her back in my life.

    Just wanted to share.

    1 kudos
  2. ng-mary 4 years ago

    life is such a tease you know. I’ve been feeling out of touch lately myself; my doctor told me about a half a year to go see a professional. She said it in a way that made me feel somewhat offensive like I’m not normal.

    Well now that I try to reach out for help, they turn their backs on me. For example, there was an app promising a free trial to help me find someone to talk to. Guess what happened next, after 20 minutes of long dumb questionaries “you must pay $50 a week starting now to continue looking for help”.

    1 kudos
  3. ucfdarkknight 4 years ago

    i’m sorry things have been so tough.

    I am glad that you’ve started journaling and sharing some of your thoughts with us as well

    1 kudos
  4. MORPHEUS 4 years ago

    I can empathise. I, too, seem to have wandered back here after a sojourn in the wilderness’. I’ll be honest. I’m standing at a similar cross-roads, scratching my head, wandering (a) how the hell I ended up back at this intersection (given that the ‘plan’, as it were, was soooo not that) and (b) what the hell do I do from here. I must say… a little disorienting. I think I may be in a similar position. I truly don’t have many answers to these questions, other than I do know – at my best times – suspect that I may have a little more to contribute in a general sense. You do seem to be fairly thoughtful and intuitive on these challenges. So, if you’d like to exchange thoughts…

    Take care


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