What follows is just a stream of consciousness. I don’t want to stress too hard about structuring this or worrying about grammar.
I’m just very sad today.
There’s been a lot to deal with and a good bit of suicidal ideation over the past few weeks. I feel like I’ve hit yet another crossroad and I have no idea how to make decisions anymore. I started journaling again last week and thought maybe sharing could have a cathartic effect.
This site is a mixed bag for me now-a-days. I have a bit of a past here — I’ve made friends and met people on this site who’ve impacted my life in various ways. Fortunately, it seems they’ve all moved on. I’m back, however, and I’m disappointed to say I’m in nearly the same state as before and I’m lamenting… something. Everything. Time lost, maybe. Past decisions. Lack of past decisions. Lack of control.
I never thought I was going to make it this far. I was sure something would happen.
I’ve noticed that a weird compartmentalization effect seems to happen when I have to go out and meet my friends. I feel as if I’ve learned to lock most of my issues and feelings deep inside and if I can filter the interaction in just the right way I can get through it seeming fairly normal. I’ll just be a shell of a person. This has led me to suspect that maybe nothing is even really wrong with me at all.
I’ve been off my meds for more than a year. I couldn’t afford them anymore and decided to roll the dice.
I feel like I’ve lost touch with my emotions. Emotions in the past have been almost exclusively painful and in the past few weeks I’ve grown to suspect I’ve been floating through this time disassociated from them. I confess that I don’t fully understand the term, but lately when I’ve come across something that makes me feel slightly alive I get hit by an enormous wave of terrifying emotion that is so frightening that I pull way back. This can make me seem distant and very private but everyone probably deserves to feel something good.
The past few years have been some of my least productive in every regard.