My chest was hurting on the right side, inside… I felt anxiety and lots of fears… not worry so much, just generalized fear. I went into my roommate's room, hoping for some comfort, and instead got argument, anger, rejection and total lack of compassion. Growing up is really hard, no matter what age you find yourself. I saw this video of some very large lights in the sky over Hong Kong. Appeared to be some kind of ship I don't know how to deal with that. I believe it is real. The skies above our planet appear to have many visitors. But there is no one to talk to about this new reality. So I stuff it down deep, where there are no answers.
My mind is still plagued with harsh images. As for the tapping and other therapies to eradicate painful images, they are helpful. But the bad images don't ever go away completely. I stopped interactions on the facebook because of the graphic violence against innocents that I began to see every day. Since things seem pretty messed up in America, at least for the peasants like me, I guess there's not much to do but just deal with it all. I have no doctor that I trust anymore. It's all about the money to them. There are no mental health doctors I can afford. There are no dentists I can afford. At this point in my life, I can barely eat honestly. I can't tell this to the few friends I do have, because I fear that they can't take it. It's just too much. No car, no license anymore. Can't afford gas or insurance or any of that anymore. I don't get out much.
I think a lot of times I try to drown my fears in books, in music, in walking outside in the woods around here. But none of that fixes anything. Just like a drug or a drink, I guess, it helps temporarily. So if you feel lost tonight, or feel lonely, just try to realilze that you are not alone in this. Many many people are frightened beyond words. The crazy war machine rages on and America gets sicker and sicker and the children of the masses seem to be forgotten. I saw another video where a guy was taken to the ground and arrested for nothing more than taking a video with his phone of some people in his neighborhood. He refused to hand over I.D. to the cop and so that cop called in a very large cop as back-up, and the civilian had no choice but to surrender, and he'd done nothing against the law. He went to jail. It takes money to get out.
I used to believe in God. Now I'm not sure that is even realistic. There is no Lone Ranger gonna ride in and save me. Not gonna happen. And I've lost the ability to deal in social situations. When you want to smile, but can't because of a missing tooth, social isn't an option anymore. I used to play in a symphony orchestra, and on grand pianos. I used to have lunch with professionals from work. I used to believe in grandmothers and grandfathers. Now even my friends are dying. My brother has become a raging alcoholic and so I can never go home again. Mom left him my grandfather's house, and he took out a huge $40,000.00 mortgage loan on it, and he's been unemployed for some time. Can't pay back this loan. So I guess our family has lost what is left of the beautiful home my grandfather built. What is left of my family. That's a joke too. A brilliant but very mean girl in San Antonio who hasn't got the time of day for me, a 2nd cousin, and her sister, who is a party girl, with a little son. I guess my mother's sister who is in her mid 70's now, is taking care of all of them. I never hear from any of them. It makes me so sad.
If I died tomorrow, I'd definitely have to come back. I didn't get half of it right this time around. That is a terrible thought. Having to come back. Seriously. I'm afraid of pain, of death, but once I get through it, I sure don't want to be thrown back into the fire. This is not the world I grew to love once. This world is sick. And somehow the few people who care seem totally helpless to do much more than barely hang on themselves. And people with money and power don't want to rock the boat. So the crazy stuff keeps happening.
What I found out is that no one wants help, and no one wants to give help. We have to do all that by ourselves, without help. I remember sleeping on my ex-husband's shoulder at night and sleeping so good. Not a care. Now alone on a single bed, looking square at 60 years old next year, I'm very much alone, not terribly healthy, and living in a world that would just as soon obliterate the likes of me as not… I have tried this past year to be more giving, to love more, show more compassion. Share and care. It didn't do me any good at all. I had the hardest year I can remember in a long time. Getting older did not help my situation.
Without my mom, I've been lost. She died in 2001. She gave my brother the house because she knew I could survive, and he would be weak. She was right about that. But to know that literally EVERYTHING is different from what I had hoped for or imagined in this life is very hard. I can't really help anyone else. I've had to give that whole notion up. No one wants my journey.
When I think about the very rich elite that run this country of ours, and what a vast contrast it is to look back at myself, and my home, and my sad little group here… it is stark and shocking. Without the local food bank, me and these animals here would not make it. I just realized earlier this afternoon that my sweet little kitty Arnie could easily live up to 20 more years. I'll be 79 if he does. What will life be like then if I survive. I hope by then I have a nicer friend that is more caring, someone I can actually talk to. If the law of attraction is at work here, then I must be the most closed-down, inflexible person on earth. Negative must be my middle name. And that is so strange to even say, as every single day I fight to find reasons to have joy in my life. Maybe I just said it all right there. I fight for it. I'll have to think on this statement for a while.
If you have someone you care about, just let them know that. We can't provide solutions always, but we can show compassion. If you know an older person, don't forget about them. They were once young and beautiful and eager to go forth in this world. Now things are not so simple nor easy. We were children living in a fairy tale. Sadly, I think someone has woken us up to a nightmare… At least I know I'm not alone in that… good night good people… Ell