I contemplate my feelings for you…

I know I love you in a way I cannot describe.

I know you are my old man, and I am your old lady.

Is that what long-term love is supposed to be?

Regardless, we cannot awaken and renew eachother.  This I know for certain.

So, what now?

I feel safe with you an I need you at least every 24 hours.  That is the absolute truth.  You have become such an undeniable part of my self– you provide some of my oxygen supply.  You are most definitely the father I never had.

And that is the momentum of my love toward you.

There are moments, many actually, when I wish to remove myself from your presence, many times while we are not even bickering.  This is because I’d rather starve to death than ingest the food you’re giving me.  And more often than not, increasingly, I have no desire to feed you at all.  As for the moments in which I do feed you, I strongly question if I am being genuine (and if so, then why?), or is it just purely a projection or a result of some other motive?

I openly admit that I am not physically attracted to you.  I wouldn’t call you fugly, but it is impossible to be attracted to someone you consider family.  For your sake, I cannot apologize enough for my lack to sex drive, but you simply don’t turn me on all that much.  When we have sex, I usually pretend you’re someone else.   75% (or more) of the time, I am utterly repulsed by you… your body, your general persona.  I want someone to make love to me, not grab me like a pervert.

However, once in a blue moon (such as last night), we have earth-shattering sex… so is it worth it? Will I ever have that kind of amazing, pleasurable, totally surrendered sex with someone else? I have no idea.  Is it worth it to find out? Again, no idea.

The answer is, I don’t know the answers to any of this.  It is only naturally human to want to find out the truth.  But sometimes I feel like I have too much to lose.  But I’m not really sure.  For now, I plan to continue with business as usual.

Remember, I will always love you.


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