After I posted my first blog I felt a sense of panic. Like I was being exposed. But I feel like I didn't really expose myself enough, because I was censoring the details. So I'm going to lay it all out there just to get it out. I am worried that social services will come and knock on my door to lock me away.

I have sexual obsession ocd. It started in 10th grade. If I hugged anyone I thought I was molesting them. I had a dream where I molested my sister and I thought it was real. I went around my years in high school miserable and convinced I was a molester. I even asked my sister several times if I molested her. Even though she laughed at me and said "I think I would remember something like that" when I asked her "Are you sure, maybe you just don't remember." I worried that when we shared a bed together that I got myself off next to her. I can't remember, but I am convinced I did. I used to masturbate obsessively as well. It started when I was three years old. I may have been three years old when I was first molested. That or I was just a little freak, I don't know. My whole life I have been sexually broken. This is why it is so hard for me to have a normal sexual relationship with my fiance.

When I was ten years old I developed trichlotamania and pulled all my eyebrows out for 2 whole years. I tried to stop but I got off sexually from pulling all my eyebrows off. I had no childhood basically. My parents were useless. They didn't get me any help, they thougth I was just going through a phase. I was suicidial at age 10 all the way until I was 16.

When I was in high school and to the present times I worried about molesting neighbors that I played with when I was ten. I can't remember, but I worry that I traumatized them and to this day they still think about me. I have no proof or even a memory, but it's just something I've latched onto to obsess about. Another reason to say I am a horrible person.

My sister and I went to the Fairgrounds and went to see the horses. Almost all of the horses in the stables had huge erections. This really traumatized me because I didn't really think about animals having sex. I guess I was innocent in that way and I knew they had babies, but I never worried about the details. Well after that I couldn't look at animals without thinking about people having sex with them. I also remember my friend in high school telling me that Marilyn Manson had sex with chickens at his concerts, and that started my obsession with beastiality. Last year I researched online and there are actual people who do this sort of thing. I was just having sick, twisted fantasies about it, with no real desire to do anything of the sort. I felt this sick feeling because I didn't want these thoughts to be there when I was doing random things. I could understand the thoughts being there when I was getting myself off because our brain chemistry changes and people always think of taboo things to push themselves over the edge during masturbation. But now mine were there all the time. This is when I knew I had ocd.

Whenever I would masturabate I would have images of giving the horses hand jobs or oral. This would push me over the edge to climax. I tried thinking about normal sexual things, but this is the only thing that would help me reach climax. I felt a great sense of guilt over this and really dirty.

Then I had a new obsession in addition to the old obsession. Children. Any time I would look at a child I would feel uncomfortable. Phrases like "Children are for f——-." Would pop in my head. I tried to change the wording around so it wouldn't be there, but I couldn't get it to go away. I would think about having sex with them or them having sex with each other. This started being there without anything else going on.

Since being on Zoloft a year ago, I don't have any of the stuff anymore except for that phrase popping in my head when I look at Children.

Now I am just experiencing guilt all the time for ever having this issue. I really thought that by thinking these things it was just as bad as if I had done these deeds. I believed that I was a pervert, pedofile, freak, sexually deviant, and need to be locked away so I can be punished. I think this had a lot to do with them being there during masturabation and sex, not just during random times. So I was doing something by getting myself off. Therefore horrible evil peson.

I know people with ocd would never to the things they fantasize or obsess on and that we are the most kind, loving people in the world. Still I have convinced myself that I can never have kids. I used to say that I couldn't have kids because I was worried I would molest them. I know that's not true. Now I don't want kids because I know that they would remind me of the past and I would constantly be bombarded my my obsessing thought that I only get when I look at children. I know exposure therapy works well to heal ocd, but I am not strong enough right now to do that. So as long as I avoid 5-10 year old girls I am okay. But how do I get rid of the obsession about the obsession? How do I make the guilt go away that I had these issues? The images and thoughts are gone but I can't forgive myself for having these issues.

Not that it matters,. but I was molested when I was 4 years old and then sexually traumatized at 7 years old and again at 10 years old. I was raped when I was a virgin at 21 years old. I feel like these are just excuses and don't really excuse me. But I know they have contributed to me being not normal sexually. I never crave sex. I see it as a chore. I dread it. I don't have weird stuff anymore, but I am always afraid it will come back.

So there you have it. You guys still want to be my online friends? I didn't think so. I will never have friends because I never open up. The only reason I opened up here is because I don't know any of you and if you abandon me it doesn't matter because you were never real and I am just a freak anyways. This is why I have a hard time being happy. Because my brain is messed up. Meds only cover up my inner freak. But underneath it all I am still crazy.