Well, it all boils down to the fact that things will not change unless we/i change them.  Effort has to be made, and whatever options are chosen, they need to be enforced and not ignored.  Simply:  put up or shut up (in my book).  As i previously stated, my therapist told me yesterday that i know what i need to do.  i just need to do it–and keep doing it.  i make things harder for myself–i know this.  i miss simplicity.  So, why is it so hard to attain?  i am constantly “reminded” of what i am supposed to be doing.  Supposed to be doing?  Why’s that?  Is it because i actually stepped up, before, and did something, and now it’s just “expected”???  You know that’s called, right??  Assumption.  When one assumes something, well, it doesn’t generally end well.  *sigh  i am not a workhorse.  i have a lot of limitations–ah duh!  You constantly tell me i’m a “strong woman.”  What’s that supposed to mean?  i am not strong.  i also am not all….together.  (Which is obvious, too, if you spend any time at all with me.)  But, that’s just it:  do you even pay ANY attention to me, whenever i speak to you and actually explain myself or tell you things???  On the other hand, you do hear me whenever i use the other language or lose my temper.  Why’s that????  Why??????  i don’t like hearing myself talk.  i don’t like having to talk, for that matter.  i’d rather just….be?  or talk whenever absolutely necessary?  –i dunno–it just frustrates me, like i need another reason to BE frustrated.  *sigh  Now, you’re nagging me again about f…..k….g…UBER!  And, explaining to me about other women….females…..always about other females, other bodies…..  Explaining to me about how tall or fit other women are or how runners’ bodies tend to be, or whatever.  And, then, you don’t understand why i don’t respond or look at you all happy and giggly, with a perky attitude????  WTH?  lol  i’ve been in that other place, lately, inside my head….  i’ve been so frustrated that i’ve had to do other things to keep myself busy, instead of reacting…..  Yes, there are also times when i have done things to myself–but, it wasn’t anything visually obvious…..  i know it’s doing damage to my body, and yet…  *sigh  i can’t keep myself busy enough or controlled enough–probably–to NOT do these things.  i am tired of being broken.  i am tired of feeling like this.  i can talk almost anyone off a ledge, but can’t seem to do it for myself.  i have the answers, and yet, still can’t figure out what i’m supposed to be doing.  What’s wrong with me?  Can i get a break, please?  uuuuuuugggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2 Comments
  1. georgeb831 2 years ago

    Talking anyone else off a ledge but cant get yourself off. That statement hits home. I see myself in the form as my neighbors my co workers my family see me. As if i am looking through the same glass window as they are peering in on myself. i don’t like what i see. I know my capabilities. it is taken those steps. you said your tired of being broken i know that feeling as well. speaking only for myself . i had been addicted to crack cocaine for most of my life just now started this meth .
    I have a long rough road to find my way back manageability. People tell you you know what to do your a strong person. they are not talking about the mess you have become the are talking about your positiveness, your good qualities that lye under the storm that is passing through. I can relate to that
    My storm is over. I can finally act on my desires to pick up pieces and focus on getting my life on track. I know what i have to do. the drugs keep me at bay. I taught my brain something it should have never known. how to release endorphins to feel good x 100 overriding the normal process. Cheating with a feel good instantly button.
    Now that i pulled away and the cheat button is not in reach . i need to submerse myself back into the fellowship and take things slow. I do the same thing as you. Do you see what i do? do you hear what i am saying when i talk? i am tired of being broken!! My mind does that deliberately so feel weak and choice less with no other option but hit the cheat button. that very cheat button becomes your life but your inner voice can pull you back to reality . i have done it . i will do t again and so can you. I know nothing about you but people in your life see your goodness that lies underneath the chaos and you see it as well. the chaos is keeping you from hearing it or see it. If you take three deep breaths and focus its right there in plain sight……… I CAN TALK ANYONE OFF THE LEDGE.. That is a core belief you have . that person that would be talking me or anyone else off that ledge is your inner soul and who you really are under the chaos. calm the chaos and she will emerge. once you start listening and believing your inner soul will start regaining power over your emotions. I promise this

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      delane1 2 years ago

      Thank you, georgeb831.
      i know there’s still quite a bit of work to be done, in order to do more than simply survive. But, at the same time, i also feel i’ve begun the steps–as i’ve not completed my efforts, as of yet, to end me–and i realize the fact that i need to keep at it, instead of going backwards, even if just slightly. Repetition helps, and i need–yearn for–a serious balance between all the junk that’s accumulated inside my head/heart, and peace. Stuff is bound to happen–that’s life. But, i/we need to find my/our way of coping, that’s healthier and less negative. i’ve let my emotions control too much of me. A work in progress i shall remain.

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