God I am so disgusted. I always felt ugly and for sure I was, but after a certain point in my life I started to get prettier. I even got rather attractive in my 20's and very early 30's– attractive enough to turn plenty of heads, but of course nothing like the model type I always WISHED I could be… I always hated my body, but I was never fat. Maybe chunkier in the thigh/ass area, but never FAT. Now… I am FAT. I am trying to deal with "being a fat person". My food addiction is so bad that I will eat until I feel sick. I bought a box of mini-cheese burgers yesterday at the market and I have been addicted to them like they are crack. I have also been eating chips and this doesn't discount the stew Mom made (which is actually healthy, but I don't need to be eating that too)

I am a food-addicted, borderline alcholic Fat middle aged woman. And no one out there has any respect for me. I got this way because I have no love or respect for myself. I got this way because the relationships with men I had were either abusive, or just a fantasy and I was left with a broken heart. I got this way because eating and drinking are the only fun I have in this life.

I don't wanna go back onto addiction tribe, they are a fine bunch, but I'm too pathetic to belong there becasue those ppl are seeking help. I am not. I am too depressed to get up off my big blubbery size 12 ass to get help. I am too depressed to get dressed a lot of the times too.

Dad invited me out to dinner again and yesterday I said yes cuz I was in a good mood because it was Halloween and I was drinking rum. But today I realize, not only do I not want to stuff myself with a whole pizza after eating mini burgers all day, I just don't have the energy to get dressed and go to a restaurant. I just want to hide at home.

K didn't text me to wish me a Happy Halloween. He does not owe me that, but I would have liked it a lot. I know for sure after his reaction to the FB thing that he has someone else. My hopes my hopes for FIVE YEARS of ever getting back with him have been dashed. I am devastated once again, over the same person.

I just have no incentive to join the gym, eat better and lose weight. For what? Just to be rejected by My Love again, just to be disappointed when I try to meet someone new… I have zero reason to get in shape. I don't think I can do it anyway. I think food has become like drugs to me. I think I am just going to get fatter and fatter til it's too hard to lose the weight anyway. It is kind of like how I just kept getting more and more depressed, it got so out of my control that I have no motivation now to get better or to be anything BUT totally depressed.


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