It's that time of the yr. when everything and everyone was lost to me. Shay was killed, Legh was in recovery from the dissection, his dad died before Shay was killed, Legh left me afterI saved his life and took care of him for all the time I lost my best friends and they stoled my property,I was evicted,I almost died and wanted to die, not necessarly in that order. the next few months are going to be a challenge for me, with all the memories and the realization that my situation brought on by all these things hasn't changed. I'm also realizing another person, D., was just like all the rest saying he loved me, but in fact didn't, haven't heard from him, still don't understand how people say they love you but can walk away and never want to contact me again. Sick. I'm getting that feeling of wanting to shelter myself from people because there all disappointments, liars, users, I'm depressed, yes. I'm also still very angry, its always beneath the surface, hurting me so.

I am afraid, so very afraid of relationships as they never work for me. I'm constantly being told how sweetI am by men online, its so not true! I can be very sweet but thenI can be very strong about my beliefs and the wayI feel. I'm no push over anymore. D. did not treat me the way I deserved to be treated, he was rude and inconsiderate, burping and passing gas constanly and never cared whom he offened,I over looked this behavior, but when he became lazy and unattentive to my needs, I started to shut down and close him off, the first time I was hurt by him was whenI asked him to borrow his car for a week or 2 to take care of some things and he said no,I was crushed! He had been trying to get me to take the car for a month when we started dating and I of course said no but whenI started to trust him and swollowed my pride, f*ch here comes the tears, and asked him ifI could borrow the car, he said no, even thoughI understand the reason some what, though he had tried to give me the car before that with the same reason he then said no, it devestated me butI treid to be logical and move forward, he stead fastly told me he was going to do this and that, but never did, I finally told himI was done… I was trying to get him through his job loss beforeI lost it with his bulls*it, lies and lazyness. as I don't like to hurt people, but he was hurting me.

I love you Dianne, yeah that's what they all say……

Its a shame my councelor doesn't no this maybe she could of helped us, another persom who isn't here when I need her, doesn't even no that we split up at the end of Sept. oh well, another loss, seems as though the rest of my life will be spent grieving what could of been, what should of been, people coming and going, constant losses, lost love, like I'll ever really be loved, doesn't love mean connection? well not for me, so I better learn how to control my emotions, good luck with that one.

I'm damaged beyond help or reason. Its like life in me and for me just ebbed away. Sometimes I wonder ok oftenI wonder what the hell has happened to me, why? How can I feel so much and they feel nothing, how come there all ok without me and I'm tortured without them? I swear my world is like living with a death everyday, you all no how hard I try to be happy, look at how I opened myself up to D., and now I'm sitting here all alone again with my sorrow and pain…..I love you Dianne…..but not enough to stay, or to miss you…or to take care of you…….my needs have been meet…. so no matter how you feel it doesn't matter to me, I just told you I loved you to get what I wanted from you while it lasted………if you cry, if you die, if your in pain or need it doesn't matter to any of us, we moved right along without you. We don't care we just pretended to love you, all along it was so fun to watch you love us and to bath in the goodness of your love, but when we were done …. we walked away and didn't care it you fell, hurt , cried, struggled to stay alive, was hungry, cold all alone,trapped, grieving,unhappy, tired, stressed, whatever you would feel means nothing to all of us, you lost we moved on with out you and have never looked back…..I love you Dianne, I love you Dianne, I love you Dianne, I love you Dianne, all lies Legh, Dianne, Kieth, Shay, Tom, Susan, and many more, and last but not least you Dan….I love you Dianne………