today started with this foreboding feeling.. and for good reason, i love my weekends but this weekend i know nothing is goign on.. we havent planned anything much.. went shopping for food at midday whihc made me feel good. then when we got home i said id love to have a date night and, j didnt seem to keen on  it.. but iwas thinking to myself he may just be thinking about stuff.. so the afternoon drew on and i announced iwas going to have a bath(im 38 weeks pregnant  and my feet were swollen and i was sore) i asked if he wanted to join me.. no,, its ok ill justr stay here on the computer.. i got a bit miffed at that coz iwanted to spend time with him. but moved on.. no point dwelling eh.. so i get in the bath bubbles, vanilla oil and body oil and was havinga nice relaxing time.. then he announces he will join me in 5 mins.. i asked why since he b4 mentioned he didnt want to.. he said he wanted to as if the b4 convo never happened… sometimes i wonder.. hmm anywho so he gets in and i say please dont make me tense i just wanna relax.. so he starts splashing water around adn at first i dotn care but then i start getting tense adn annoyed.. he pretty much just ruined my bath.. i laid there staring at the roof annoyed at him and myself  thinking this bath is cursed everytime iget in it somethign bad happens. so i get out and he does also and goes adn mopes in our room.. i dont knwo why.. i didnt wreck his bath.. he didnt even want date night as it turned out and i felt like crap told himso and left.. i grabbed the baking tray form the nihgt b4 id left on the table adn didnt realise all the yuky oily contents had sprayed all over the dining table adn carpet.. i started cleaning it.. fretting under my breathe how stupid i felt adn no wonder he doesnt wanna spend time with me.. i cant do anything right.. i got it cleaned and started dinner. by the time he got ever hiomself iwas full blown crying my eyes out inthe kitchen;.. nothing new this week at all.. i feel like i am going to be a failure as a mother to my baby, like i cant do anything right even if i try, like ive wrecked things with my family(my mother kicked me out 3 days after my 18th bday(im now 22) and we dont realy talk i live far away from her, she continually makes fights.. im over it)  i have just had a shitty week adn this day just made it feel a whole lot worse.. for my whole pregnancy i have felt lonley.. j (my hubby) is great but i feel like hes distanced himself form me,. that i cant explain.. and i dont even know if its true.. but i feel alone.. even when im with my friends.. i feel likei cant talk about the things i need to, and when they bring things up like past abuses and things that i can relate to i dont say anything like mine arent important.. and they arent but i hate talking about stuff but i feel like thye should know.. over the last few weeks a few things have come out but i think it has made me feel a lil worse as al the memories have come back up again. itl take time for them to fade and when they do i may b batter.. i hope.. well thats all ifeel like saying today


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