I suppose that i hsould talk about my feelings instead of keeping them inside, but talking about them or blogging about them wont help me in reality. I was ok this morning then something clicked and i wasnt, I cant think of anything inparticular that could have triggered it. I miss my gf who isnt my gf anymore but mis miss her, every time i think about texting or calling her i think about how i am and that keeps me away. I checked my school email today whcih i havent done in a long time but there was an email from my old prof. asking if i could present at a board meeting but im too ashamed to tell them I cant cuz I cant do public speaking at the moment. that emial just reminded me of who i used to be and who im not anymore. I was alone for most of the day with no one to talk to. I have been knitting, sometimes it helps to keep my mind off stuff. Today and yester day have been hard I can feel myself falling down again and slipping away and now I dont have my gf to tell me its ok or what ever she used to say or not say.My heart aches I really want to give up again. I feel stuck again and I dont know what to do. Maybe its because I ate something that I wasnt supposed to so im having an allergic reaction i have no fucking clue as to why i get like this and its fucking pissing me off and i dont know how to tlak to because no one seems to beable to help me or I dont undersatnd what htey are trying to do or what they do donesnt work for me or what ever i try  to do for myself doesnt work. I really hate being like this. I dont know how to deal with this anymore.