To no surprise to anyone (especially me) the happy times didn't last. Everything was going pretty good, well, at least really good compared to how things used to be and how I've felt before. But lately the feelings and thoughts that I've been having have been confirmed. For the past few days I've just been thinking that I was just being paranoid and overreacting and everything. Basically I had a feeling like my boyfriend was seriously considering cheating on me, like he was constantly thinking about another woman and was contemplating on whether or not to cheat. My feelings were confirmed! I wasn't being paranoid! Yay intuition!

In case you haven't figured it out yet, there's a lot of sarcasim in this blog. Basically it started with him asking me (jokingly and hypothetically of course) what I'd do if he ever cheated on me, what I'd do if he gave me reasons for him cheating and just a bunch of off the wall shit and crap. Then today he came home saying that his boss (jokingly) said that he's surprised that he hadn't "turned me in for a newer model", then he asked me if constantly thinking about another girl and wanting to boink her just to get her out of your mind was normal and if I'd ever had those thoughts. So I asked him why he wanted to know, he refused to tell me. Basically after about 4 hours of silent treatment, arguing, and a bunch of other things he told me that for the past few days (since one of his exs contacted him) he's been constantly thinking about his ex and how much he wished he would have boinked her but he never got the chance and now since she contacted him he has the chance. And he's really fighting with the urge to go sleep with her because he's been wanting to since they had originally started dating, but he doesn't want me to find out and then get in trouble with me.

Honestly, I waited until he left the room and I've been crying whenever no one is around. To me it really hurts because he always talks about how he doesn't enjoy sex and how he doesn't even really enjoy it with me, but he wants to go boink one of his exs. I don't know if it's just me, but that's kind of like always having a bike and you hate riding, and then suddenly a new model comes out and you just HAVE to have it.

Another thing is that during our wonderful little talk he told me how everything with me turns into a fight. Most things do because he has double standards, doesn't think before he acts or talks and never wants to deal with any consequences. Like when he blew me off one night to go hang out with a girl, he didn't even get to the bedroom until 2am, was a angry, you bet.

But anyways, this weekend was supposed to be a good weekend. His mom took the family (just her, the dad and the brother and sister) to New York for the weekend and won't be coming back until Sunday. She dropped teh foster kids off at a relative's house (pretty sure she's not supposed to do that, but whatever) and she left her adopted son with us at the house. So it's just me, my byofriend, his grandma, his grandpa and the adopted brother. So I'm just going to try to enjoy the weekend and just ignore this whole thing. I already gave him his options.

1. He can go for the ex and have his little fun and keep her because I'll be gone for good and I'll never have any contact with him again.

Or

2. He be faithful and loyal and stay with me.

If he chooses option 1 then I'd love to see her (or any other girl) do his laundry, cook for him, take care of him and basically go through even half the shit I've gone through with him.

In his mind he doesn't do anything wrong, whenever there are problems in the relationship it's the other persons' fault. It's funny because I know if he does choose option 1 then he's going to blame it on me, saying that I could have prevented it by either giving him his 'freedom' (let him boink whom ever he wants and do whatever he wants) or by my being so bitchy and controlling.

The best part about all of this, after he told me he then wanted to know if I was mad at him, and if I was then why was I made, what did he do to make me angry at him? Something I've noticed happening more and more often lately, I've been getting increasingly violent thoughts. Like when he asked me all that I just wanted to slap him and tell him to f*ck off and that I was angry because he just told me that he has been wanting to and seriously contemplating on taking the oppertunity to cheat on me. How am I supposed to react to that? Just smile at him and go "Ok honey, just don't forget to be safe. Have fun."

But ya, at the begining of this blog I felt really worthless and just wanted to go cut or just go to sleep and never wake up, but as I wrote everything down I'm honestly starting to see my anger as being justified, because that's really one of the only things that I've required of him; don't cheat, be faithful and loyal. It's like no matter how hard I work to make things ok and go somewhat smoothly, he just comes in and tares it all down and then doesn't even realize why anyone would get mad.

What's funny is that he tried to bribe me to get me to stop being angry at him. He said "If you stop being mad I'll tell you what I got you for our anniversary." I actually laughed at him. He always promises gifts and to pay money that he's promised, but he never does. And why would I want to know what he's 'going' to get me for our anniversary? When he doesn't get it I'll just be disappointed and sad about it, or if he does something for me it probably will change from what he told me, or it will be soemthing that I don't need, or he'll spend a bunch of money on it when we have bills to pay.

Oh! nice little FF (fun fact) he now just came into the room and first words out of his mouth "I love you." and then he started telling me how he means it when he says that he loves me and then attempted to joke by saying "Kimberly, I love you…it's not your fault." Kind of the wrong time to say that joke. (it's a family guy joke) Then he gave me a hug and about 15 seconds later asked "Are you still mad at me now?" I don't really know how to respond to that. He's trying to blow me kisses and crap…I can't even blow him a kiss or smile at him right now. Is that bad on my part?