My name is Alexa and my parents were divorced around the time I was 2 or 3, I believe. My dad was definitely not a model figure from what my mom has told me. It hasn’t really bothered me when I was a kid because from what I remember about my childhood was spending it in hospitals, clinics, and a strict family who I would soon come to realize was completely mad. When I was about 5 and a half years old I was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic lymphoma and my mom had no way to pay for treatments or hospital bills. If we back track a little, during the divorce my mom did an amazing project and was able to get a family business running. This business would create products and sell them to the H-E-B stores. However, her dad would malevolently take over the business soon enough. Going back foward, my “loving” grandpa would allow my mom to work for her very small check to pay for her twin daughters (me included) health, nutrition, and necessities (knowing my diagnosis). My godfather soon meet my mom through a demo we were doing at H-E-B. Long story short, he helped us live a little by traveling, helping pay medical bills, helping us move out and start our own little restaurant in Houston, TX, and then abandon us with debt after some long good years pass by. After we got back on our feet we thought everything would turn around and good things were sure to happen. Immediately after our move to Houston we were in a terrible accident. Coming back from a road trip in Atlanta, Georgia with our godfather, a Hummer hit and totaled out small nissan car. I had hand-repair surgery in which needed to be in a cast for a quarter of a year which was just great timing for the beginning of 5th grade. After an ex-employee stole about 2 grand we had to close our restaurant because my grandpa got sick of Lymphoma type B and since our only close relatives lived in the valley and my mom is a single child, we left just like that. Our move since then has been pretty upsetting, for me at least. I found a 6th grade journal where it states that my older sister wished she could get rid of her twin sister and have an older sister or brother instead. This being one of the least terrible things she has ever done or said, my grandma died because she never took care of herself and she always put my grandpa first. She also never listened to what my mom recommended her to say or do throughout her treatment because she had already gone through a loved one with cancer (me). Therefore, shes died and my grandpa right now is dating some witch who is 2 years older than my mom and isn’t good for anything. She is obviously a gold digger and her two lying, lousy kids have been tormenting my older sister, grandpa, and mom. My grandpa and older sister haven’t really been the best either in my life. Every time I see them or visit, you can always expect trouble. For example, when my twin and I were turning 13 years old, it so conveniently correlated with father’s day. My older sister being raised by my grandpa had made her decide that she would bake him a cake. We supposedly had a birthday party at their house with multiple guests however, no one knew it was also a birthday party except for a nun. Evidently the day was horrible and it ended up with my grandpa kicking us out of their house in which we were guests staying over. One of the worst birthdays ever. The reason I say all this really is because I just had a fight with my twin sister. Sometimes I feel very alone and have had thoughts of why am I even here for. People say stay away from bad news and I can’t because they’re basically telling me to stay away from my family. I actually was sent to a psychiatric department in a hospital because I was high at school. It happened this past school year. However, I just wanted to feel less anxiety and stress. I am said to be a try hard by some people I used to talk to. They say I go to extra on all my assignments but my teachers actually like it. However, it would give me 5 to no hours of sleep sometimes. My mom has always wanted me to do my best and that’s what i’ve always gone for, but I never really asked myself why. I’m really smart (I’m not trying to gloat or show off), but I don’t know what to do. I’ve always tried to fufill others expectations of me but what do i expect from myself? what do i hope to accomplish? What do I dream about? And the answer to those questions is nothing. I’m so lost right now and my mom broke her leg this past Friday after we all had taken our finals for summer college courses. My twin fought with me about my past and it hurt because I have been trying so hard to change for the better and she always brings up the past or compares me to her. All I think is what gives her the right to say the things she does. I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost and I don’t know how to feel okay without hurting other people.

2 Comments
  1. keishadenea 1 month ago

    What a life you’ve had! Family seems to hurt us the most. I can relate to not knowing why I am trying so hard for everyone else. Recently, I’ve had to take a step back to ask myself what it is that I want and need. Beyond hard to turn into action, I’ve lost many because of it.
    Have you sought help outside this discussion forum?

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      mathislife1 1 month ago

      not really. my family can’t really afford it, the one i live with at least. My mom just broke her ankle this past friday and i’m kind of struggling figuring out how to get my mom to her college classes next week, go to work, and then go to my classes. My grandpa has always told my mom that if she was to ever get “help” that she would have to be ready to accept all her “faults” thinking he has always been right about everything. My mom probably could use the help because of this stressful family but she doesn’t. I don’t really know why. Then me, I think since last year I’ve told my mom i’ve wanted to go to a therapist to talk to someone but she always thought i was kidding or she agreed but never did anything. Until i got sent to the hospital for drug abuse my mom has taken my emotions into serious thinking. Tho i’m still not seeing a therapists and I don’t have any friends to talk to because the ones I’ve had were no good or they just creeped out at the word cancer. People are weird about me sometimes. I dont get why tho.

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