For the past month things have gotten steadily worse for me.  I started hearing voices again they holler my name in the middle of the night when no one is actually here.  I hear one of my kids saying mom come here.  Another voice that said get up and get out!  I'm also very paranoid it's worse than it's ever been.  I always feel someone watching me, I see people when I go out that look at me a little longer than most and wonder if they are gonna follow me or  hurt me.  When I'm home I keep the windows closed and the door locked and I'm constantly going back to see if the door is still locked.  I hear noises that make no sense and think someone got in when the door is locked and I've been sitting beside it on t he computer all night.  No one is in here it's just me and my crazy mind.

The psychiatrist upped the abilify to 30mg for me and said that will help with the voices and paranoia.  The lamictal with the depression, ambien for sleep and cogentin for side effects I've been  having with the abilify.  She told me the abilify will calm all of that down and that maybe now I will be able to sleep because even with the ambien I still wake up several times during the night hearing my name called, feeling like someone is in my room watching me….oh how I hate this.  I can't tell my family because they already don't understand the depression, they don't think of it as an illness.  The only support and understanding I get is in DT.  A dear friend had been gone from chat for a while and now she is back and I'm so glad for that i really missed her.

I'm wondering if the stress of my parents and their pain and weakness has caused all this to return.  If it's the stress then it won't go away for a while.  I've been having nightmares that my parents have already passed on and we are at the funeral home looking at them both and then watching as they are lowered into the ground.  I know they don't have much longer but I will never be prepared to lose them.  When one goes the other won't be far behind or maybe my  nightmare is really an omen……at least if they did they would be out of this awful pain they are enduring.  Oh how I wish I could take that away.  I'm already in pain everyday so give me their pain I'm used to it.  I would love for them to enjoy what time they have left.


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