My meds are way off balance and I need to talk to my doc, who is presently on vacation for two weeks.  I need to call his service and see if I can get him paged.  This is an emergency.  I am really casually having thoughts of killing myself.  I don't know if my husband will ever want to be close to me again.  We have fun together, but we are not remotely physical and he avoids talking about his feelings like it's potentially lethal. 

He always says "I don't know" about everything, but he stays here and seems to like being with me.  Could he just need more time?  I have put him through so much over the years, being sick, and his depression is still unmedicated.  He finally has an appt to see my shrink when the shrink gets back from vacation.  He trusts my doc, and would likely let him prescribe meds.  I also think Charlie would probably trust his recommendation when he refers hubby to a different doctor.

I feel ripped in half.

I have feelings for someone else.  Someone who loves me, but I know I can't pretend I am trying to save my marriage while also clinging to that possibility.  This guy is a good friend and a good person, and I know he does not want to cause me pain.  I don't want to hurt him either.  I know it's a no win situation.  It's just hard when someone loves you, and can express that, and the person you are with expresses nothing of the sort.  It's hard to know what to do.  I guess I made this mess, and I need to keep trying to fix it.  It's just been so long, and my hubby gives me absolutely no signals about where we're going.

I want to save my marriage, and I don't know how.  I wonder if this complicated mess is even fixable.  I wonder if my life is fixable.

Meanwhile, tapering off methadone is killing me.  It hurts, but it has to happen.  I want to go back to school, and this stuff is an impediment to that and other things.  It really breaks me.  I have been through so much, and I feel like no one can help me.  I feel so helpless.  I just want it all to go away.

I cannot tell Charlie that I am thinking about hurting myself.  I don't think he will take me seriously.  I have said these things before, and am still alive.  I used to hurt myself, but now I just think about dying.  Like walking out in front of a car…  or just not paying attention when I cross the street.  Maybe taking a bunch of pills and going swimming in the lake… 

I am trying to quit smoking.  I don't know why I even bother.  I am so tired.