took a break from work at the library to go over and discuss housing w ppl. its stressful and the group is in tourmoil. there’s all this shit talking and rumors, girls mad at other girls, girls not talking, girls trying to talk. i know for right now im not a part of it, i haven’t done anything wrong(i hope) but i feel like at any second all this bad karma will wash off on me and i’ll be a target, in the dispute. one girl, she’s made at kate, and she just said "oh i know so many things about her she doesn’t want you to know" and it scared me, because i thought, is this girl making a mental note of all the transgressions ive done in her presence? is she forgiving my behavior now but if i mess up she’s going to throw it in my face? ppl just demand the absolute truth, they want everything from you and they want it a certain way, you’re never nice enough, never innocent enough, never aware enough. they look at things and talk about them in one big group like everything is black and white. they are right, you are wrong, you have to make it up to them. how could you not know you were doing the wrong thing? they would never do that…they scare me, and i feel like….im so imperfect. im all these mistakes that ive made in my life, going out, running my mouth, hooking up every once and a while..partying. but i love people, i love my friends, and i dont want to think that friendship has some kind of preconditions, i dont want to feel like i have to ask for forgivness for being me..because im really not that bad…im nowhere near perfect, but i care about people, i try to own up for my mistakes, i try to be supportive.
all these people live together…basically…this year, and they don’t comprehend how it feels to be the outsider, the person that isn’t there when they wake up in the morning to talk about guys or school. I’m not there all the time and i feel like they don’t even notice.