I woke up feeling great.  After a week of nightmarish, compulsive thoughts, the fog cleared and I felt capable and positive.  Today is also the day of my weekly therapy session with my amazing psychologist.  We discussed my current obsession with a female co-worker.  A little back ground info:  About a month and a half ago, while away on business with this new female co-worker, she and I got very close, got drunk, ended up at strip clubs, and eventually in an adult movie theater.  While there, we engaged in an exciting sexual experience.  For me – that moment – I was elated and happy.  Soon after, the guilt, fear, nausea, and stress kicked in.  This girl represents the manifestation of what I think is amazing about women.  She's tall, beautiful, smart, and deviant.  But, I am not one of these men that can simply forget about an illicit sexual encounter.  I dwell and obsess.  She and I can never have anything meaningful.  I love my wife, but because I am sick, I act out in inappropriate ways such as with this woman.  That all being said, I have spent weeks thinking about her, wanting to tell her how I feel.  That would be a huge mistake.  And, after counsel from my therapist, I now fully accept that telling this woman how I feel would be disastrous.  I would be dumping a pile of emotional weight on her and eventually it would explode in my face.  So, I have come to terms with remaining silent and professional.  I must kindly wipe my obsession with her from my heart.  My most important break through (and saddest) is that after 3 months of therapy, my therapist believes I am bi-polar.  This came as an emotional blow to my very being.  I broke down in shutters and tears.  I didn't even know what I felt.  But, I broke down.  And I am glad I did.  Bi-polar disorder is nature not nature.  It is chemical imbalance and now that I know there may be more medical help available, I feel hopeful.  I will be calling a psychiatrist my therapist recommends and I will be getting an evaluation for medicine.  I know it won't be a cure.  But, it may help me get grounded and calm.  There is nothing more important to me than my wife and my life and I am tired of destroying everything over obsessive-compulsive behavior.


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