Day 2 of this Crohns flare up. I cannot control this gutwrenching pain. I fell like baby velociraptors are hatching in my intestines. havent eaten a thing today. havent left my apartment. its 90 degrees out. I want to go somewhere with my dog. Im all alone through every frequent flare up i have.  My family is 3000 miles from me and my mom cant make me matza ball soup.   I have no friends that can be here to keep me company.  I have no physical contact with people. i am not hugged. Forgot how it feels to kiss. The pain sucks my mind way down below the gutter…I want to die.  i need surgery. I have no insurance. I am just a number, a statistic, an object whom nobody loves.  There is no support, i need therapy and cant get it unless its through some non drug scripting counselor. 

it hurts. my intestines become infalmed to the point where they close shut.   Im hungry and know if i eat it will make me hurt more.  Ive spent a good portion of my day in pain and crying.  I cry not because of my pain, after 20 years of suffering my threshold is high but i cry that i go through this all alone.  I want to feel good and I can never have that feeling…you all are very luckey if all you have is mental pain, becaus its a deadly cocktail when mixed with chronic pain disorder…..Im tired of suffering and being helpless, I want to meet a girl. i want so many things but am just way too inadequate to achieve them….Exdeath called me a gender queer last night. Apparently im a male lesbian, because im so god damned sensitive and empathetic and not into meeting women just for a lay, i require a much deepeer connection before that can happen.  I may be a woman in a mans body but i have no desire to be a woman or dress like one.  I just act like one….and im real, brutally honest and dont play games.  If i feel a certain way for someone theyre gonna know it, then gat spooked away as usual.   I just wish there was someone that cared about me enough when im very sick to keep me company and make me tea…I HATE going through this alone! This condition definitely perpetuates my feelings of isolation and disconnection from social circles. Nobody without chronic pain on a 10 scale can relate to me let alone be empathetic. I am alone in my pain, and its not fair. Im a good person and i dont deserve this.  Why dont people want to be around me? 

2 Comments
  1. Silent_Sigh 11 years ago

     Just because you're a sensitive person does not make you 'gender queer'. Exdeath should never have said that, it's a hurtful comment. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being sensitive and showing your emotions. 

    I don't know why people don't want to be around you. You seem a really nice guy, kind and sweet and caring. I wish I could take your pain away.. you are right, the ones who suffer from only mental pain (myself included) have no idea how much harder it must be for you to deal with not only the mental pain, but chronic physical pain as well. 

    I can't write much right now, it's almost 2am and I'm tired and have to be up for work early. But I will see if you are around online tomorrow, or I'll send you a message. 

    Take care x

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  2. Tesla 11 years ago

    I wish I knew what to say so you’d feel less alone and actually cared about…  I’m a baby when it comes to small physical illness- colds, flus, pms. I cry a lot and usually don’t have the energy to cook for myself.  In your case it’s far worse, eating means MORE pain..and no family around..no friends..You’re so young to be going through this..I can’t imagine going through what you are.  You are so strong.  I’m very impressed and my heart goes out to you.  I would bring you tea if I were there.  I love tea.  And we could watch movies and play cards and be depressed lol.  I could kick your butt on xbox and then you could show me wuts up in return.  Course saying stuff is only half-fulfilling…

    You are NOT gender queer.  You have experienced more life than most at this point in life.  The companion you search for is hard to find..most are still a bit reckless, believing that 70 or older is their lifeline.  Life’s shortness and preciousness is hard to comprehend…but you know what I am referring to..You have so much strength.  Wish I could do more…I’m sorry, I’m tongue-tied a lot…dunno wut to say…

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