Day 2 of this Crohns flare up. I cannot control this gutwrenching pain. I fell like baby velociraptors are hatching in my intestines. havent eaten a thing today. havent left my apartment. its 90 degrees out. I want to go somewhere with my dog. Im all alone through every frequent flare up i have. My family is 3000 miles from me and my mom cant make me matza ball soup. I have no friends that can be here to keep me company. I have no physical contact with people. i am not hugged. Forgot how it feels to kiss. The pain sucks my mind way down below the gutter…I want to die. i need surgery. I have no insurance. I am just a number, a statistic, an object whom nobody loves. There is no support, i need therapy and cant get it unless its through some non drug scripting counselor.
it hurts. my intestines become infalmed to the point where they close shut. Im hungry and know if i eat it will make me hurt more. Ive spent a good portion of my day in pain and crying. I cry not because of my pain, after 20 years of suffering my threshold is high but i cry that i go through this all alone. I want to feel good and I can never have that feeling…you all are very luckey if all you have is mental pain, becaus its a deadly cocktail when mixed with chronic pain disorder…..Im tired of suffering and being helpless, I want to meet a girl. i want so many things but am just way too inadequate to achieve them….Exdeath called me a gender queer last night. Apparently im a male lesbian, because im so god damned sensitive and empathetic and not into meeting women just for a lay, i require a much deepeer connection before that can happen. I may be a woman in a mans body but i have no desire to be a woman or dress like one. I just act like one….and im real, brutally honest and dont play games. If i feel a certain way for someone theyre gonna know it, then gat spooked away as usual. I just wish there was someone that cared about me enough when im very sick to keep me company and make me tea…I HATE going through this alone! This condition definitely perpetuates my feelings of isolation and disconnection from social circles. Nobody without chronic pain on a 10 scale can relate to me let alone be empathetic. I am alone in my pain, and its not fair. Im a good person and i dont deserve this. Why dont people want to be around me?