Today I think I took one of the longest rides ever, just to get food. I heard, from a friend at the mental health hangout center, that you could go to a certain mall and get paid for doing surveys. The bus ride took about 2 hours. Then, when we got there, we were only allowed to do 1 survey, even though they had plenty more to fill, about other things I qualified for, and we all got 7 bucks each. Went to the food court, got a Chinese meal of Orange Chicken and fried rice. Ate half for lunch, saved the other half for dinner. Took the bus back home.

Honestly, I’m SO glad November is practically over. People like to talk a lot of shit about Millennials but if you’re not one of the “lucky ones” that ends up graduating college with enough of debt to not afford rent and transportation, and get a good job, you really well easy can be homeless, these days. It really sucks, especially if you end up being disabled, then it’s worse. I have no Mom and Dad to help me, economically speaking. I was surprised my mom offered money as a gift, 2 weeks ago. That rarely ever happens because she can rarely ever afford to.

I ended up, even with that, at the end of this month, not knowing how I was going to eat the next day and making up ways to find food, somehow, through ingenuity. One day I took the bus and walked through a really sketchy part of town, at night, to finally arrive at an LGBTQ Thanksgiving drum circle meetup and I ate there. Another day, my sister visited and got me a large Tropichop from Pollo Tropical and I did pretty much what I did today, ate half for lunch, half for dinner. Two days ago, I convinced my roommate to order pizza and, after that, I slept most of the next day away so I wouldn’t have to eat. Today I did that mall thing.

I applied for Food Stamps, again, because that’s another thing that really messed me up. I used to have them, then they stopped.  Now I can barely make it a month, by myself. Hope they come in fast… I was completely right about there being something horrible in my dad’s email response, except it wasn’t in regards to Mom, it was his narcissistic crazy-making shame reproaches and I about had it. He still doesn’t fully understand why I went no contact with him, after 2 years of it, and dared to say to me that “life’s a 2 way street”, as if I hadn’t already given my heart, soul and sanity to try make this man happy, despite his abuse. I mean, I love him but how can he be such a willful idiot and then claim to be working the 12 Steps now? Whatever.

I don’t know if I’m just fooling myself by thinking anything will help this guy, even the step of Self-inventory, because, in his mind, he literally re-writes history. It’s disheartening and infuriating! I wonder if he’ll put in all the times he crushed our morale to dust and made us feel like worthless mites, not to mention all the physical intimidation tactics he used. I think I need to get rid of the idea that he’s going to get better but someone, inside, is not doing very well in trying to let go. We still want to be “Daddy’s precious little girl” and it pisses me off because he doesn’t want me to be a real daughter, he wants me to be an ignorant, adoring little minion, like his wife and parents. So yeah, I’m going to need the therapist’s help with this one.

I’m trying to allow myself to focus on self-care too because the more I think about what happened at the transitional housing place, with my friend’s suicide and my ending up molested then put down by staff, the angrier and more upset I get and the more I want to seek out legal means to retaliate. I mean their brochure of the institution they belong to promises “safe” housing!! Makes me want to stand in front of the place, handing out my own flyers with the truth in it, just to see what happens then. I know that’s not an answer, that I would need a lawyer instead, to see what can be done. I just know that, right now, I’m in no place, physically, mentally and emotionally to go through with something like that. It just kills me that they keep getting away with it because most of the people that go through their systems either have a “no snitching” mentality, are too disabled to advocate for themselves or don’t even think they are worth advocating for.

I don’t know if any of you might have advice for me, as to what to do, legally. I know I’ll look into it eventually, I just don’t even know what the time limit is for stuff like this. I just feel incapacitated by the levels of stress I’m feeling lately. I had to take so much Valerian to stay calm a few days ago, I was wondering if I was, in fact, taking too much. I don’t know when we can change to a dissociated state and for how many days, any more. I know I will end up hospitalized, again, if I don’t rescue myself from all this distress. Like, am I a bad person if I literally give myself permission for a break in fighting and just try to enjoy life again, especially when there are still injustices going on, somewhere I know of? I’m not the only one who has been sexually threatened at that establishment. I already told several people that work there. I know I can’t be the only one that speaks up. Question is, who will believe us? We are, after all, mentally ill, right?

Sorry if this post is too negative. I’m trying to get it back together and find my strength again. I find letting things out is part of the process that helps me, eventually, do so. Right now I feel exhausted, beaten up. Something’s got to give if I want to make it and make it better. Maybe the psychiatrist is right… I need to give myself permission to do what I need to, in order to heal, even if it means taking others off my shoulders. Makes me sad though, that it has to be this way, to begin with or that my health presents me with so little options.

On a positive note: my roommate will be going to the Philippines for work, again, this December, leaving me his car for a whole month. YIPEEEEEE!!!! I’m going to do my best to cut coupons out, look for free meetups to go to, play, sing, & be happy. I need to find my joy again. I’m going to start painting again, found a wonderful app called “Yousician” that I’m going to use to learn Ukelele and Piano with. It’s always been a dream of mine to learn the piano! This time I’ll be able to do it without my father frightening me away from playing it with his berating of us, every time we made mistakes. I know it’s been years and might sound petty but I feel like he stole something from me. Like he squashed a voice I naturally had and thus closed opportunities to me that I could have well taken because I have a good musical ear. Can’t wait to catch up and match it with my voice and poetry skills!

I’m going to end this here because it sounds like a good place to say goodbye in. I send you all tons of love. Thanks for being here. May all things improve. Sincerely,

Alex.

P.S. GREAT NEWS!: Forgot to write that I finally organized the apartment enough to be able to upkeep with regular (not hoarder level) cleaning. It took a while of shuffling things around plus a notice from our building’s management, about inspection, but I finally am able to invite people over and not feel utterly and horrifyingly ashamed. To me, that’s a HUGE accomplishment and helps me find hope I can human this shit a lot better than I used to, since I have actually been fighting with this one issue for years, now. So yeah. I think that’s going to help improve my mood, a lot! 😉

5 Comments
  1. bridgie101 5 years ago

    I had to take a lot of bad hits for a few years, in 11 12, 13 and 14. Now it’s nearly 2017 and I’m not suffering.

    It’s okay to walk away from abuse and just survive it, without making things right. Sometimes you can’t make things right because you’re too broken; getting away and surviving is the best you can do.

    If you like singing can you busk? Do people do that in the US? It’s where you sing, on the street, with a hat on the ground. People give you money. I will give to buskers when i don’t give to beggars; everybody can do SOMETHING. there’s a really cool beat boxer in one of the street I always give $10 to.

    Dad? Sometimes you’ve got to walk away and come back in five years. Just write him a letter saying you can’t cope with listening to the shit that comes out his month constantly, so either he’s going to cop it when he does it, or you can f*ck off for a few years, till you’re strong enough to tolerate the pack of lies he tells, which would he prefer? I currently have a mother who’s entirely full of it but with getting dementia there is no way to resolve any. When she starts on one of her ‘what people are like’ rants I just excuse myself and go.

    Family are revolting, escaping them for five or ten years I think is probably obligatory. It’s not forever. Coming back you’re in a different space, and so are they.

    As to food: seems when you get money you’re spending it on takeaways. Do you know how to cook? It’s much cheaper to cook your own meals.

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    alexsophia88 5 years ago

    Bridgie, seriously, not only did you make me cry, you made me laugh. THANK YOU! Sometimes I wonder if I’m just all wrong and I twist and turn inside from guilt and self-hatred from it and then there are beautiful, brave, honest souls like you who remind me that some things are just pure bullshit and that it’s ok to not have it all together, especially under the current circumstances. That it is, in fact, normal and, for a few seconds, I feel like I can breathe again. I am so grateful for those moments and I’m pretty sure you know what it’s like to desperately need them. Hearing you say you took hits, like me, and still got better gives me hope. I’m sorry about your mom and the dementia. Sounds like you are handling things wisely, though. I have thought of busking. It’s just that I can only sing. That’s why I want to learn some instruments too. I’m sure we can busk, it’s just that in the U.S. every state and town is different. Some places require you to have an official permit for it, others don’t care. I’ll have to look as to the rules where I live. Thanks for being so frank about the dad stuff. It’s a shame but I think that he’s easily looking at 2 more years without me if he doesn’t stop his shit or I learn how to not let it get to me. I wish I could be this direct too, though, I really think that even being this straightforward to him wouldn’t guarantee he “got it”. The worst part is my missing of him. It probably wouldn’t be so hard if I didn’t, I think… although there’d still be a different kind of grieving to do, I’m sure. The term “family”, to me, is something much like the term of “friend”. It has to be earned. I have an aunt who is one to me, by marriage and she’s one of the best friends I could ever have. In turn, I have another aunt who is related by blood and she can’t even deign to care for her own children properly. You’re kind of right about the food. Lately, I was eating out a lot because I was so depressed, I didn’t want to make anything but I’mma have to just go back to getting fresh ingredients to make sandwiches and burritos out of, like my own personal Subway store. I’ve even wondered into exploring new “no cook” dishes, like raw recipes, etc… gotta find resourceful ways to get around the limitations, right? Thanks again, Bridgie. Hope you have a nice day! 🙂

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  3. bridgie101 4 years ago

    sorry it’s taken so long to find this post! I clearly haven’t been on for a while. I do steak and salad every night for tea. Basicaly I buy whatever is cheap, and ‘tenderised’ barbecue steak is very cheap here. I cut it up into 150g pieces because I’m a pig and 120g seems too little.

    I fry that just plain in a frying pan while I put together some lettuce, tomato, cucumber and avocado, or whatever salad greens I have.

    I make a vinaigrette with 1/3 c vinegar, 2/3 c oil, 1 lge tsp sugar, 1 lge pinch salt, pinch pepper. You can add herbs to this too… shake that and that’s the vinaigrette.

    So I toss the salad, sprinkle some garlic salt on the steak and cut into strips. Throw that into the salad and that’s dinner.

    It’s really healthy, really quick, and surprisingly cheap. 🙂

    Family is hard work. But blood is thicker than water and eventually, when everyone’s had some time, you find out you’re a lot the same. Dad may have some tall tales, but there’s often an explanation you find out later.

    Just take people day to day, and keep your chats with them about day to day, now type stuff, or what you’re doing next week… it’s nice and safe. You can forge a relationship with them based on a whole series of nows, not going near any unresolved stuff from the past that just triggers everyone involved and gets them so confused and panicky they fall into old ruts to avoid/escape.

    You need to avoid triggers so everyone can lower their stress levels and find a new normal. Heh. Good luck. 😀

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    alexsophia88 4 years ago

    Easier said than done, Bridgie! Especially if in the “new now”, the other person keeps repeating the same old abusive behavior. Btw, thanks, for the recipe. I disagree with the whole “blood is thicker than water” thing. I have people in my life that are not one iota related to me and they behave and love me more like “family” should. Sometimes there is no good explanation for someone’s shenanigans either, other than the fact that they decided to be an idiot when they didn’t have to be, for selfish reasons, because it was easy. I’m going to do better with food, now, thankfully. I got my stamps and I got this guide container that measures portions and such. Hopefully that will help me eat less and lose weight too. Hope you are well and thanks for the support! ;)!

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  5. bonnietrudell 4 years ago

    What your lawyer suggested? My friend also faced some what similar situation and took advice from the lawyer like Bechara Tarabay and he helped him out to take a right step.

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