Thursday, December 1st, 2016 – 11:45 pm
I’m having a panic attack right now. Well, not quite. Right now it’s just really bad anxiety. But that’s only because I’ve already taken two of my pills and have started trying to calm myself down, to no avail. Every noise is a bad noise. Every car that drives by outside, especially if they have their bass booming. The train down the hill is going by. I can hear it. I know it’s the train but my mind keeps trying to tell me that it’s not. My neighbors furnace keeps turning on. That thing drives me crazy. The entire time it’s on my brain tells me “there’s not a doubt that that is an earthquake firing up. Better get ready.” But I know that it’s just the furnace. I’m fine. Don’t run away from your stressors. It only makes it worse. “But what if it’s really not the furnace this time?” …….I can’t handle this anymore. My brain is on constant alert. I’ve been SO careful. I’ve been taking my meds. I’ve started avoiding coffee. I even avoid a lot of sugar, just in case. My mom is sleeping in my room with me because I won’t sleep otherwise. Just last week I had a seizure after 3 or 4 days of catnapping here and there for a half hour or so at a time. I am in this constant mental state of being alert and ready to run for my life at any given time. I can’t live like this anymore. It’s too much. I want to keep fighting. I really do. But it just keeps getting more difficult… The stress keeps coming. There is no escape. I am breaking. I am desperate. Everyone thinks I’m over exaggerating. I swear to you, I’m not. I silently fought my anxieties for years because I didn’t wanna be a bother. Now, something’s gone wrong in my brain and I have no idea how to stop it….. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!
Ya know… I kinda liked having that seizure, now that I think about it. I was in such a daze for so long afterwards. I wasn’t afraid of anything that would normally bother me. I could sleep without even trying. Sure, my everything hurt, but right now, I see that as a small price to pay to be rid of this panic/anxiety.
1 Comment
  1. kitmoon 5 years ago

    Hey. I’m so sorry. Try to keep someone close during times like this because being alone is the worst when you’re terribly anxious. Human beings look for safe places or safe people to be around when they’re frightened. You can always come here and tell us about it, there’ll always be someone here who knows what debilitating fear is like.

    I’d say that when things are at their very worst, don’t fight it or try to hold it in. Find some way to work it out physically or get your heart pumping (safely). Temporarily exhaust yourself. DON’T bottle up your anxiety, just don’t. The body naturally wants to move when the adrenaline is going, so if you are physically up to it, either go for a run (or pace vigorously), or do jumping jacks, or lie on your back and air-cycle, or punch a pillow. The idea is to find a safe outlet. Also, after animals come out of a fight-or-flight situation, they tend to physically shake in order to discharge stress. Try that. Another thing I do to deal with anxiety is breathing exercises. This can be as simple as taking long, sighing, exhales. Another one I like is to breathe in for three counts, hold for three counts, exhale three counts, hold for three. Then repeat.

    None of the above are going to solve long-term issues, and they might not even calm you down completely, but they are ways to quickly let off some pressure, to loosen the valves a little so to speak. (I sometimes literally visualise steam coming out of my ears. If nothing else, it makes me laugh.)

    You’ve been through some trauma, yes? We usually need help from others to heal with that sort of thing. And while I’ve definitely ‘been there’ when it comes to not wanting to bother others with my issues, trust me that if they knew the extent to which you’re suffering, and they cared anything about you, they’d want to help or get you some help.

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