Two more days. That's all i had left.
She' s pregnant. My sister.
5 weeks along.
She was already prepared for telling our parents she wont be coming home.
I was soooo happy to be done with school. Just one more exam. I was going to go home, eat normally, start working out, get a job, and see my friends graduate. I thought everything was going to be ok.
After these horrible 9 months, i thought things would be ok. My parents were even excited.
But of course.. Things wont be ok. that's a fools dream.
I cant even talk to my sister. I cant face her. shes not the girl i grew up idolizing. we always talked about how we would never let something like this happen.
and i cant talk to my best friend about it because shes meeting her boyfriend for the first time right now.. i cant ruin that for her.
my bad mood never turned off, so whenever my other friends tried talking to me, i ignored them.. so i cant talk to them now just because somethings wrong with me.
my parents changed the house up.. i havent been there for almosta month, so i was excited to see what they did. and i wanted to see my cat. my little baby.
but i cant do this anymore. i cant act like nothings happening.
i hate that guy. my family is going broke because of him. its separating because of him. my relationship with my sister, who was once my best friend, is ruined.
everythings ruined. everything.
i cant even live with myself.
i dont want to see the damage this has caused.
im so sick to my stomach. im dizzy. im shaking.
i dont want this stupid fucked up life anymore.
all i ever did was bend over backwards to make life easier for my family.
i made jokes whenever someone argued, trying to lighten the moment, which nornally worked. id rather starve than ask for money to buy myself some food if i knew my family was struggling. i spent almost my entire secret fund buying food for my sister and i. i never brought up my problems, but instead chose to hear everyone elses. i put up with someone i despised for 6 months.
how do i get repayed?
imdone with this life. i dont have enough money to run away. or live on my own.
im tired of hurting. of hating. of regretting. of being scared.
but fuck, i just wanted to live long enough to see my cat, have a job/career i love. to see a concert by my favorite boy band, my idols. to travel and learn other cultures.to repay my parents. to show them that i took every single one of their lessons to heart. to tell them that i was really listening and cared about what they said even if i always rolled my eyes. i just wanted to tell them Thank You for caring and giving up so much for me. i honestly appreciate it, and im grateful.
but i cant even have that satisfaction.
thank you to all of you who've ever helped me, given me advice, offered your shoulder, just listening. i dont think i ever said how grateful i was for that. youre all total strangers to me, but you acted as if we had been friends for a while. and im soooo thankful.
youve become like family to me.