So I'm not doing so good in college, and things are gonna get worse if I flunk a single class this semester…as in, I'll get kicked out. My grandparents (whom I've lived with since I was four) have paid for everything so far, it's not outrageous and I've had the help of scholarships, but still. It's weighing down on me that I'm doing so badly now (when I've always breezed through school before this) and they've invested so much into me; I don't want it to be a waste.

They didn't even have to adopt me, they could've let me go to foster care but they didn't. Sure, we didn't get along very much due to the generation gap and when I graduated I was 'oh so positive' i never wanted to see them again.

Anyway, I'm majoring in biology pre-med because I wanted to be a doctor. Then I got here and realized I'm horrible and chem and math, biology is unbelievably boring and I don't care about any of it. Thing is…that's what everyone expected of me. not only that, the two sons they raised before me both turned into alcoholics (one dead and one in prison) and you'd think they just want me to at least be better than that but it feels like they're pressuring me to be absolutely perfect and successful in every aspect, right away.

They got mad when I told them I didn't want to be a doctor (although reminding them how expensive med school is helped calm them) ((not saying they'd be paying for it, but it helped my case)) and now every time they talk to me, it's,"Well? Have you made up your mind what you're going to do for the rest of your life and what classes you're going to take? You're almost 19, you need to have a plan for your life figured out by now!! You're gonna end up homeless or dead if you don't make this life-long decision NOW." Ok, so they haven't said the last few lines like that, but that's what it feels like. When they were young, they had their lives completely mapped out by my age; married with a kid on the way, he had a steady job and there was no way she'd ever work, being a woman.

I've always been against anyone making major decisions like that so young (kids in high school getting married or deliberately having children early). So this pressure is killing me.

I barely know who I am yet. Sure, I know what I like and dislike, what I feel about major issues and where I stand morally and religiously, but that's about it. I haven't a clue what I'm passionate about, what drives me everyday and definitely not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm trying really hard to at least pass this semester, then I'll figure out what classes I want to take later for fall. Except this damn university is doing the same thing as my grandparents. I have to enroll in fall classes before I've gotten used to the pattern of spring classes. This place also freaks the shit out if anyone says the words 'change' and 'major' in the same sentence, like it's written in stone.

This is why I want to do nothing but sleep lately. Everything is pushing down on me, wanting life choices now, now, now and I'm too young to know what I want for the rest of my life. This pressure is driving me crazy and all I do when I'm awake is worry my health away. I should just give college a break, stay in this town, find a job, get a place, maybe a guy (HA. Yeah right.) not worry about school like I have since I was 5. Go back to univ LATER, when I know what I want from it.

I have this freaking terrifying lambourghini of resources and opportunities for education and zero idea of which direction to go but my foot's glued to the gas pedal and I'm about to go off a cliff. Yep. That's about how I feel. Just woke up from a 14 and a half hour sleep and I just want to go back to bed.

And if you've read all of this, and are about to tell me how others have it so much worse, they can't afford college yadda yadda, get away from my blog. Get away from my page. Others have it worse but that doesn't mean that this isn't stressing me the fuck out and turning my hair gray at 18.


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