Disclosure ft. London Grammar -Help Me Lose My Mind (SOHN Remix)
I don't have much to say, which says a lot.
I miss you, I'd like to talk again. I didn't give you my contact info out of politeness. A grand total of fourpeople have a way to contact me outside of EP. One of which now has my home and cell phone numbers,after a shortfour years of us circling each other as if we were stuck in a double-helical orbit.
We never really got to be friends. I wish you'd say hello. I get that we only talked for a few weeks, but I felt like something clicked between us. I felt like you'd be someone I would want to invest my time in, and vice versa. You gave off the impression that you were waiting for someone to figure you out.
You reminded me of myself in a lot of ways.
And then there's you. Stuck in a self-made prison (aren't we all?).
I'm not angry, though I was. But not a lot. I suppose all I wanted was closure. I wanted to know whetherI'd meant something to you.
It’s almost stunning, this sweet erasure, to find out there was never any story between us to lose.
Come and go as you please. You have no obligations but the ones you put on yourself. There are the courteous things we're supposedly "meant" to do, the sort of things we treat as iron-clad obligations. "Obligations" that floodus with guilt and remorse when we don't fulfil them.
I want to say that you were selfish. It was so easy for people to warm up to you… I remember when we first started talking, I was cautious. I noticed your distance. I noticed that you never revealed anything tangible about yourself, nothing substantial that could be tied to you.You were a free agent. Though, to someone that would have paid attention, you'd have been rather reavealing in terms of character and emotion. I want to say that you were selfish, but given the ability, I'd have done the same thing. …I havedone the same thing… though not with the same eficacy, or "success". Of course success is relative, especially here. I want to say that you were selfish, and I will. You were selfish, and so have I been. This doesn't make us terrible people. From my own point of view I can understand why someone would slip into people's hearts knowing they'd one day dissappear without a trace. My view's only one, I imagine there are plenty of good reasons behind the bad things we do. It doesn't justify them or make them excusable. But the reasons and the motivations behind them are what seperate good people from their bad actions. It keeps their actions from defining who they are. You haven't asked for it, and you don't need it, but you have my whole-hearted forgiveness.
Regardless of whether there was some connection between us, I am glad I met you. I learned a lot from you, priceless things I never would have learned otherwise. Your spiritual and intellectual malarkey have their place, and their use. 😉 Not to say that it was meaningless or stupid, far from it. To say the least you've inspired a lot of people. It takes a bullshitter to spot one. Being a long-time student in intellectual malarkey myself, I see it's value. It's not dishonest, or immoral, per-se. And malarkey and unintelligence or brilliance certainly are not mutually exclusive.
I miss you, though I don't know why. I like to think that I saw a little glimpse of Youand I liked what I saw. I'd like to see you happy one day. You deserve to be, though I'm sure you don't think so. It crushed my heart to see someone so miserable.
Even if what I've written here is one big misconception, I still think I saw something in the cracks in all your layers. Not having something said in the right words doesn't make reality any less real. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. It's not foolish optimism or hope making it's voice heard, when I say that you're beautiful. You. Not something in you. Just you.
Looks like I had more to say than I thought. Not much of a surprise there. I should have known my penchant for turning a sentence into a paragraph, and a paragraph into an essay, and an essay into a short novel isn't so easily disconcerted. Sometimes it just needs a little coaxing and patience. I've sat here writing this for about an hour. Time well spent if you ask me. Anything in the name of catharsis 😉