Finally I admit that things have been out of control.The past a week and a half was kinda hectic and crazy.I still couldn't meet the deadline for my work.I got stressed out.I felt blank and dizzy on a daily basis.A tiny thing could cost me tons of energy.On top of that I got concentration problem and short term memory loss.Gosh,it was so difficult to live through a day without feeling tension in my chest and pain on my back.

Last Thursday I went to see my councellor/therapist for the first session.We talked for an hour.She thinks my anxiety has cause me to have a minor depression.So she advised me to have a blood test to see my stress level.I had a doctor's appointment this Monday.Went to see a physician(a very nice doctor.She assured me anxiety problem is common among people and don't need to worry too much.She recommended me to do more exercise.) and had my first blood test.On Tuesday met my therapist again and started the first session of cognitive behavioral therapy.Let me try to recall what I have learnt from the session.I need to recognize a few items from a chectlist of cognitive distortions.Then use Healthy Self-Talk.I am so used to picking up negative messages during the talks with others.There were people saying something very mean to me in the past and those negative messages stuck in my head.My therapist reminded me that other people aren't always right and they made mistakes too.I should neglect those harmful things.As always she wanted me to do exercise on daily basis.She knew I am keeping blogs and encouraged me to keep writing down my feelings,as she said I needed to notice how I feel.And also she wanted me to remind myself every day that I did something good.Just one good thing in a day will make a difference.Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment with the doctor.My test result turned out that I do have chemical imbalance inside my brain.My doctor gave me a sample of Cipralex 10mg for seven days.The first four days I will take half a tablet.Then move on to one tablet.She said this med has less side effects but still wanted me to put on a trial first to see whether it works or not.I will see her next Thursday.Actually I am not sure about the drug and the idea of taking drug to feel better made me a bit depressed(funny,huh?) But it may help if it is not addictive as she said.So,what the hell,I will give it a shot.

The weather was not that great yesterday. I think it was around 18°C.Chilly and windy and rainy.The weather itself was kind depressing.After I got off my bus,I walked my way home.Dropped by the public library to borrow a few DVDs.I really wanted to cheer myself up. I kept asking myself how come I will end up in this kind of shitty situation.Too much reading/reading and worrying made me nuts?On that thought I felt drowsy again.By the time I got home it had already passed the lunch hours.Still I spent over an hour making my meal,stir-fried beef with broccoli. Thank God,I was listening to hip hop music on radio all the time while I was doing my chores.Or I would have dropped and fall into sleep at any minute.I don't know why I would be that sleepy.After the meal,I took the first dose of med.Watched a movie Sunshin Cleaning later.Then some TV drama.Took a shower at midnight and went straight to bed after that.

This morning woke up at 8:30am as usual. But stayed in bed till 9am.Funny,I felt quite awake.Actually I think the air around me is clearer than ever.The drowsiness hasn't gone completely,but I feel much better.

Seriously I don't really think the medicine works right away after 16 hours(at least five days).Maybe just the thought that I had taken some medicine made me feeling better.

Thinking of all the chemicals bouncing around to make a moody person like me is funny…I am too imaginative…

 

sunshine cleaning 

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