I never in a million years would have said I would be in an online support group. If you had asked me a week ago I would have told you I don’t have any problems. I am gonna say it (well type it out). I have an addiction to alcohol, drugs (specifically pills and weed) and sex. Seems weird to say that. I guess I thought I wasn’t an addict because it was just weed, drinks and pills on occasion. Still, I never went a day without getting high or a few bottles of wine. If I did it was a fucked up day until I got to drink or smoke. As far as sex goes I would sleep with guys I just met or sleep with multiple people within days and even hours of each other. Sex consumed my ever waking thought.
My low point hit me in April 2017. I was in a dysfunctional relationship and things at home were chaotic to say the least. My ex is an addict as well to the same things as me except he does coke as well and way more pills than me. I would have said he was the addict not me. We fought that day and I pretended to go to work when I really went to feed my addictions all night long. I don’ know how many blunts I smoked that day but I went and got high/drank/slept with 3 different guys that night. When I left one I called the next. I remember being with the 3rd guy drunk as hell and thinking in my head “where can I go when I leave here I want more”. I got home and I felt so empty and I rolled a blunt, poured some wine, took a Percocet and went to sleep. I woke later and thought “what the fuck is wrong with me”. There’s also the issue with my sexuality. I know I’m not 100% straight but I denied and hid it for a long time.
I just thought I was in a dead end sexually frustrating relationship and I thought that I pay my bills, work regularly, take care of my kids I don’t have a problem. I recognize it now. What led me to want to get better/seek treatment was my journey into astrology and spirituality. What led me there was a situation with one of the guys I regularly slept with. He ended up being a married man and his wife found out about us. Did I know he was married? Absolutely not!! This went on for 3 years until she contacted me. Talk about a low blow and wanting to get out of my mind fucked up to heal that pain. I started to search my horoscope to see why I attract fucked up guys and it spiraled from there
It’s been 24 hrs since I smoked, 3 days since I had a drink, 1 month since I popped a pill and 3 months sexually abstinent. I currently want all 4 right now and its hard as fuck. I know I am on the right path. What makes it difficult is I currently stay with my parents who both drink, smoke, and have an unlimited amount of painkillers. I am leaving here soon to distance myself and they don’t understand that I’m trying to heal. They don’ even think I have a problem. I know now I live with enablers. I would call my mom and tell her about some of what I was doing and she even encouraged it.
I hope that by telling a bit of my story that I can help someone heal and even help heal myself by getting it out there. I know we can achieve and maintain sobriety and I know there will be bad days and setbacks and negative thoughts but I believe we can and will heal. Peace and light and love to all.