42 year old 15 year sufferer here.
Just joined here, looking for something but don't know quite what. might be one (or indeed none) of :
1) Someone to listen to me
2) A feeling that someone cares
3) A belief that someone understands what I'm feeling
4) A source to help me see some hope for the future.
For the last 15 years, depression has been my constant companion. I've held and left a few very high pressure jobs with long hours, and 6 months ago made the decision to go into a zero stress job that paid very poorly.
It was, and in hindsight is, the right decision for my physical and mental well being. It coincided with me living with a girl who I loved very much and could see spending my whole life with. For a period of 3 months I was off anti depressants, honestly didn't need them and was actually thinking of the future.
I find it one of the many tricky parts of my illness that I live without hope and plan absolutely nothing in the future, as I have had the constant and unchallenged belief for the last 15 years that my future (If I had to have one) was inevitably going to be one of pain, hurt, sadness and worry.
But for the last 3 months I have dared to think ahead and feel that things may be alright in the future.
But then everything changed…
I found out that the office is closing next year. Frankly that didn't put me off my stride at all and if anything reinforced how resilient and buoyant I have been. The strongest ever in 15 years.
And then my relationship was ended. Suddenly, out of the blue, and inexplicably. The reason she used for finishing our relationship I find unspeakably cruel and callous – it is only a few weeks later that I find out that actually she had decided that she doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me.
It's easy to say this in hindsight (and almost certainly not true) but I think I would have coped better knowing she simply didn't want me.
However, four weeks later, I am back on anti depressants, spening virtually all my waking hours on beta blockers, not sleeping despite sleeping tablets and having well and truly boarded the last train to self destruction (WHOOOO WHOOOO – Bruce sound the horn on the train).
Copious amounts of alcohol, no exercise, risk taking behaviour that is so not me, trying to start fights with groups of youths…it really isn't the recipe for grabbing my life by teh balls and making it something good.
I'm living as the lodger with the ex, working in the same place as her, have told very few people what is going on (as I'll just start blarting if I talk about it), can't bring myself to talk to my family, and can't tell my 7 year old son as he will be terribly terribly sad to lose two people (my ex and her son) who he loves very much and thinks they love him.
I do known what I need to do…sort out a place of my own, a car, furniture, an circle of friends, a new job, and a positive mental attitude. All of teh above with no money!! Is it just me being obtuse not seeing a way through ?? Lol
I'm genuinely sorry if this reads as a total miserable whinge. That was not the intention. the intention is to write it down just so that some small part of it can get out of my head.
I will write more another day, but I am genuinely interested if what I've written has any resonance with anyone or whether I'm just being self indulgent typing this. (It's the first time I've ever done a blog anywhere on any subject so forgive me if this is rambling.
I'm happy to listen to anyone who needs a pair of ears or a sounding board. I've no idea, but I hope I may find the same on here.