So….I'm trying to finish out this hectic term and not just fall to pieces. I'm so close!! Just one more 8am final in the morning, then a photo final critique for fellow students(I already went last week). I was feeling pretty damn exultant after my group presentation this morning but after my waiter at lunch just walked away when I was mid-sentence I felt deflated. I just feel unseen today. I'm fighting the urge to run screaming from this building and drink my cares away.
There's no reason for me to hate myself this much right now. I just achieved an amazing accomplishment yesterday. I ran my first 5k ever! I've been training for half a year(more seriously over the past 4 months). I've lost weight, and I've watched my eating. I've been exercising and jogging. I've improved my mile time a lot. I'm just tired. I'm burnt out. I ran through an intersection and nicked a truck last Sunday, then Friday night I blew through an intersection and I know a traffic ticket is on it's way. I totally had a break down when my husband walked in because I feel so guilty for costing money on repairs and traffic tickets for my stupid mistakes. At the same time, I was driving, I was looking straight ahead and didn't even see what was before me. It's a little terrifying. I could have hurt someone. I could have hurt my husband because he was with me last Sunday. I'm just a wreck, but I'm not. No one can see how destroyed I am on the inside because I keep a good facade. All my friends can say is that I've seemed different over the past couple weeks. My friend whose mother passed away decided to take out her anger on me in the past week. She apologized Saturday, and I'm glad she recognized how much of a bitch she was being to me(unprovoked). But words hurt, and I still feel a little edgy around her. Okay.
Taking a deep breath and going to study some more.