Ok first off I'm new here so I'll get this all organized and in the right places soon.  hopefully, if i stay interested long enough. i so stole my "headline" or whatever from one of the first profiles I saw on here, "doing time on earth." I had never heard it put that way but it hit me like a brick on how much i can relate to that. thats exactly how i feel.  sorry to whoever that is i stole it from, i hope you dont mind.   ok, so, while ago, i did the thing i fear most every day, i laid down to go to sleep.  then here come the hellacious thoughts that just take complete control over my mind. the anger, the sadness. i fought it and fought it and decided to just fucking face the thoughts and i grabbed a pen and paper and just let loose. it ended up with me seriously pondering and coming up with a list of those who would be devastated if i were to die. when asked if i am "suicidal," it's a complex question in my mind.  it's not a yes or no answer.  do i think about it? constantly.  am i actually going to do it? doubtful. 1. i dont have the guts to do it in a graphic, violent way, such as shooting myself. havent yet come up with the perfect way to do it, not that i ponder this thought toooo frequently.  it does creep in my thoughts at times though.  no luck so far.  2. i dont want anyone else to have to find me dead or clean up my mess. 3. i could never put my mother through that much pain. i imagine the pain i would feel if something happened to her, and i just can't put her through that.  so, i've been switching around psychiatrists and have yet to find a working chemistry with any of them.  two of them switched me around and around and around on antidepressants until i threw my hands up with them.  my mind and body couldnt handle the drastic chemical changes any more.  i am now seeing a guy who has a better approach, the approach i think i need.. medication AND counseling.  problem is, dude is 80 something years old, seriously.  he spends half our visit reviewing his notes from what we talked about last time, or excuse me, what I talked about last time.. then he prompts me to talk more. he has done nothing for me thus far. i mean, if i wanted to talk about it, i could do that with my mother. for free. she listens just as well, if not better, than he does.  i'm going to him for professional help, and i just dont feel that i'm receiving that yet. maybe he will chime in soon and offer some help! let's hope.  anyways, i find it hard to admit to him just how serious my depression is.  i hide it well. the only person that knows how depressed i am is my mother, because she suffers from depression as well. only a few of my friends even have an idea that i might have a slight down in the dumps problem. otherwise, people think im just a happy go lucky 24 yr old woman. im good at acting happy for others. i realized while ago that this list i wrote up of people that would be devastated if i died, is a complete cry for help, for attention? for reassurance that i am loved.     so, i dont know how to express to the therapist that im in serious need of help here.  maybe its time to switch psychiatrists again but dammit im tired of starting over with these quacks.  im not at a point where i feel the need to admit myself to a psych ward, but trust me, if i hit rock bottom like i have once before, i'll be checkin in at the local looney bin. not there yet though, hopefully, HOPEFULLY i wont hit rock bottom this time.  i sure am in a free fall headed that way though.  ughhh.  im open to your thoughts if you wish to share but dont feel obliged, i mostly wanted to rant to someone other than my piece of paper. 


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