Well I got up at 3am thinking it was time to get up which is 6am so was glad I'd be able to go back to bed I've been so tired the last few weeks.  Then I realized I'd be awakened by my grandson who was sitting up in bed wanting something to drink and when I went to him and felt his hand on mine it was so hot so I checked his head and neck and the poor baby was running a high fever, after taking it I got scared but you know where his mother was, out to dinner and the bar and who knows what else so she wasn't around as usual.

I was up with him trying to get the fever down and he finally fell asleep again but I had only 30 minutes till time to get up with the baby….thank goodness he sleeps a couple of hours after he's gotten  here so I layed down again til both of them woke up.

I probably shouldn't have slept again cause when I woke up I felt horrible and could do nothing but cry…I'm so tired all the time, so tired.  Today my spine is killing me the doctor told me last time I have the spine of an 80yr old and I'm only 55 and she also said there will be a wheelchair in my future and I don't want that at all!!  My ankle is killing me the tendonitis is so flared that I can hardly walk and when I do walk if I don't favor it the pain shoots up my leg, I'm having an FM flare too, my foot and leg are so swollen today too so here I am in all this physical and emotional pain of feeling so alone and no one to talk to who understands that I can hardly function but I have to for the babies.

We had to take the 4yr old back to the doctor and it's another ear infection and the baby was so cranky I didn't know what to do with him nothing worked for a while and I got a little peed off….imagine getting peed off at a 4 month old baby I'm horrible!!  I'm so glad it's the weekend I can sleep a little later and just have the 4yr old to take care of so it will be a little easier.  But I still feel horrible from the way I felt with t he baby and after that all I could do was hold him to try and make up for being mad but he didn't know that thank God he finally went to sleep when I rocked him and sang to him and for a moment there all my pain disappeared and I was only there for him…I felt a little better for making him feel better.

He's gone home now and it's just me and Landon and I have to take care of his fever it scares me cause he had convulsions when he was little because of fevers.  I know he's grown out of them now but I still have that fear so I'm nervous on top of everything else.

Boy I rambled on a lot didn't I?  I guess I just needed to vent…I'm so tired I don't know what to do and I hope Landon sleeps tonight ….. 


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