I start to think that I have some unhealthy habits. That have lead me to do things I think are fun I enjoy them in the moment but only what makes me hapy for the moment if that makes sense. Ive been avoiding alot of what I want to stay to people and I cant help it. This is day one of avoid people i want to talk to. It pushed me to share somethings I didn’t want to share. It was impulsive. I really dont want to lie. Every single time I get the change to lie I take it.
It was fathers day today, I’m not all that sure what Im upset about and i found little pieces along the way. I keep thinking I healed and im over it. I think about how if i ever got the chance to talk to him person to person. Not daughter and father. I wanted to get to know who he was and how he problem solved, was he good at his hobbies?, What is one of his dreams, what did he picture himself as, what was his childhood like, who was his best friend in high, the first girlfriend he’s had, all the thing that make a person special.
I will admit i wanted our bond, relationship to be special. I wish he would have given me advice about life, how to stay strong, how to do taxes, how to make tacos, how to drive, how to set up a bank account, how to roller blade, how to ride a bike, how to swim, how to drink, how to play beer pong, how to read streets in the city, how to bus system, worked, how to apply to a job, how to find things online, how to buy a car, how to have a poker face when gambling, how to defend myself, how to tell someone they love them. I didnt know i wanted all these things
I wonder what things he wanted to share with me because all my life i felt rejected. The moment my mom told me he wanted to test my DNA to make sure I was his. I remember that day when he took my mother to court. I honestly dont know if my mom told me that just to hurt me. I question if shes ever been honest in her life because all my life i watched her lie to everyone she was suppose to love like her kids, her mother, and all the men before me and after. I wonder why she told me because after that it felt terrible to spend time with someone who was hoping wasn’t theirs. I was a child cute, inocent caught in the middle of this games of hurting one another. What made it hurt sometimes were the times when I knew he was only talking to me to hear about mom. I wasn’t to sure at all if he liked me or loved me. anyways…