Woke up this morning and felt refreshed. Which is strange because I was so down last night when I went to sleep. My husband just held me last night which helped. I was exhausted and so depressed. I sat in the yard for awhile by myself before bed just contemplating my life and heart. I'm not sure why my mind can't let go of this hurt. I'm holding it like a vise. He has allowed me to look at his cell records bank statements I have his phone all day I know he has not spoken with the other woman since Easter when we worked things out. We went and got our vows renewed and took a honeymoon like a restart. But somehow my mind can't let go of the pain. I watch cars as they pass and even though they aren't hers they are the same make or model and my heart squeezes. He is doing everything right but I cannot seem to let go. I feel broken like there is something wrong with me. I know down deep that if I forgive him and allow my heart to believe that everything is ok that it would hurt that much more if anything were too happen. Feels like I'm protecting what little heart I have left from the fear of pain that may never happen. I'm just so afraid to ever go through that pain again. Like touching a stove you learn to never do it again. I bet that's why my mind keeps forcing me to picture them together when I try to sleep. Because by letting go and forgiving I'm opening myself up to be hurt again. Wish we had a way to see the future. Blind faith is not my way usually. Don't want to get blindsided or tricked. I guess I'll have to find a way to learn to let go. Will take time.

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