So this is what I've come to; watching @Midnight on the DVR while drunk. I haven't posted anything here in a while, but I kind of had to make it known (at least to someone) that I am not better.

I have been living with my parents, but that is now singular. After a horrifyingly swift, and obviously painful, battle with cancer, my dad died last July. I'm not some teenager whining about life, I am 41 friggin' years old. I feel bad saying that last year was not the worst year of my life (which was 2009), but I've been preparing for the death of a parent for decades.

Anyway, I had a huge breakdown in January of 2010, with culminated in my swilling down an expensive bottle of bourbon, tying an anchor to my waist, and wading across Lake Hefner. I ended up under observation in a mental ward, divorced, and living with my retired parents. I've been working a dead-end job for 3 years. I can actually taste my loneliness.

I drink almost nothing compared to how much I would like to be drinking, but I find myself actually being responsible most of the time.

The amount of self-loathing I feel is indescribeable. The only thing keeping me from killing myself (helium shoud, anyone?) is the strength of the vows I made to various family members before I was released from the mental hospital. While I can still laugh and a well thought out joke, I have largely forgotten what happiness feels like. I think the neurons which process that emotional response have withered and died in my brain, and at this point I would not recognize it if it happened.

My family thinks I am getting better because I am taking steps to improve myself. I had an opportunity to have sex about a month ago. It is the fourth time I have had the chance since back in 2008 when my (now ex-) wife was willing to do anything with me, and I once again turned it down. I know what I look like naked, and I couldn't handle the thought of putting some poor girl though that, even if she was willing. So I started a diet at the beginning of April (lost 18 pounds so far), just because I think I would like to get laid at least one more time before I die. Once the weight is off I plan to start building up wth exercise. In the meantime, I have a fairly physical job in a warehouse. I'm actually pretty darned strong, but I think I'd like to actually look that way.

Despite all of that positive(?) change, I dont' feel any better. The last time I felt happiness was in 2007. I hate everything to do with myself and my current life. The only thing that kept me going was the love and support of my wife, who can now no longer stand anything to do with me. She has completely moved on with her life. I hope she's happy, but I can feel myself slipping down farther and farther.

1 Comment
  1. tick_tock 7 years ago

    I understand, and am sorry things have been worse for you lately.  The paradox of your recent weight loss and subsequent plan get physically fit, despite your motivations, is that it will probably profoundly pull you out of your depression and you will feel better and more energetic.  I hope that is the case if no other avenues are doing that.  I really do understand and will always be here, as long as you are, if I don't beat you to the end.

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