The day took a nose dive this a.m. when I found Charlie’s phone – this is an issue because he preiously had no phone.  We had a phone.  We shared a cell.  It would not have been such a big deal that he wanted one of his own, but he got it last month and never mentioned it until I found the damn thing this a.m.  I asked why, he said it was an expense – thought I’d say no, and all that.  I say, of course I wouldn’t have said, no.  I tell him it seems like he’s just trying to make his own little private sets of decisions, lately, and it scares me.  He says he’s sorry, he should have told me.  He notices me staring at a number in the phone and says, "Nikki is someone I work with, not someone I am seeing."  I say, I didn’t think he was seeing anyone, that I just didn’t recognize the number.  I sat down and thought, "this is it.  This is the reality of it.  The death throes of a seven year marriage…"  I started to cry.  I try to hug him, and he half-ass hugs back.  I ask him why, and he holds me.  I ask him, again, "what’s going on?  He says, in a strange, frustrated, confused, even upset voice – "I don’t know."  And, I say, "about anything, right?"  He says, "yeah," as if he’s at once pained by the words, and relieved by the admission.  My voice full of pain, just short of talking through sobs, I say, "I know."  

Silence.

We sit there, on the bed.  I say, "I think there could still be a chance for us," and he says, "I know you do."  I say, "and, there are times when I can tell you feel it, too."  He gets up, starts getting dressed for outpatient, seeming pissed, or even angry.  In a shaky voice, I  say, "I’ve been working on a lot of things, Charlie."  He says, somewhat softly, "I know, and I’ve been very proud of you.  You’ve been doing really well."  

When I was in the hospital the other day, he spent the night by my side, in the chair by my bed, like he always used to.  I know he still loves me.  I’ve hurt him, and wounded his pride, perhaps too many times to repair, but I know he still loves me.  

I don’t know.  I don’t know what’s going to happen.

I told him this a.m., and it’s true, I had  no  interest in forcing this conversation (the state of the union, and all that).  I would have guessed that it would be too soon for him.  (And, I am wading through my own issues as well.)  He’s no good with confrontation.  He likes to let things ride, and see where they go.  Madness… 

This is a complicated situation.  There’s a lot to be dealt with, and I am so turned around.  I’m just so emotionally exhausted, right now.  I would sob some more, but I’m too spent at the moment.  Maybe, I’ll cry more, later.  

So lost…

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