Sometimes it amazes me how much people support each other on this site. It’s really so amazing. When I have no where else to get a rant out of my system. I would like to thank all those people that commented on my last blog. Your thoughts and ideas are very much appreciated.
Those who know me i’m not an angry person. I’m not one to really let my emotions out, well in the real world anyway. Thats where I find blogging helps. I get it out of my system and feel better for it. If I didn’t have somewhere to get my stuff out i’m sure I would be in a worse place than I am now, and for that I am glad that I googled that fatefull day last year, and came across this site.
Today I had a fairly good day. We had somewhat of a family day at the beach, there was my sister Alicia, my nan and pop, my aunt and uncle, and thier 4 kids, Maddie(3) David (4) Xavier (18months) and Shaun (17). It was the first time that the little ones had ever been to the beach, so that was a whole new experience for them. I have always loved to play with Maddie and David. They are lots of fun. I did get very parranoid about where they were when I was looking after them in the shallows of the water. Even thought there were many people around, I was still worried that something might happen to them. There was a moment when David fell over in the water, and that made my heart jump. He was fine of course. I got some really cute pics of them on nans camera which will be good when they are printed. I think I may have got sunburnt a little on my back and face. Nothing too bad, my skin just feels a bit hot.
I spent a bit of time talking to Shaun. I’m a bit worried about him. He’s headding down a path that leads to very dangerous things. He’s smoking pot, and getting himself in trouble with the police. He told me that he is trying to get a job. I told him if he ever needs me to do up a resume or something I would be happy to. I have done quite a few for friends and family now, i’ve become a bit of a pro at it. Unfortunatly it never seems to lead to a job for me. Thats more me being unmotivated however.
Late last night I was still feeling quite angry. There was a time last night when I was looking at the new packet of pills I had brought, and for a brief second I thought about taking the whole lot. I refused to let myself thing about that for too long. I can’t let myself fall back into bad habbits. There was a time when I would think about suicide over and over again. So I am proud of myself for doing that.
When I was out in the water this afternoon, by myself and floating gently on the water I went into a sort of daydream. I was thinking about where I see myself in the future. I could see it. I don’t know if thats normal or not. Are we meant to be able to see our future? Is someone that is completly motivated still have lapses in judgment or forsight? I hope so.
I have found myself falling very badly of my healthy eating plan. After the disaster of the meeting with Matt, I came home and just started binge eating. So not the sort of thing someone of my size should do. I once was motivated to loose weight, and now I am lost again. Its not fair. It makes me just want to cry out and scream and just die. I know I can’t die thought. No thats not a good idea. There have been times over the years, I have felt just killing someone. I don’t know if that is something that I should share. I have had thoughts of killing my mum mostly. I blame her for so much. I know that If I were to kill her it would be totally pointless. Does that make me a sick person? Well sicker than I am allready? I really don’t know if I should have said that.
I have tomorrow off. I’m glad. I don’t have any plans. Acutally I do, I plan to stay at home and do NOTHING. Nothing at all. Just be my lazy self. Tuesday I have to go to the course that the Salvation Army have set up for me, Wednesday I have to go and see my case worker at the Salvation Army, I must ask her to see if they will cover the course that I’m doing at TAFE. I think I was meant to do some job seeking, thought she went through what I was supposed to be doing soo quickly I really am not sure. I have another session with the Salvo’s course on Thursday or Friday, I can’t remember. My calender has all of a sudden became very full. It hasn’t been like that since I was working.
I have been thinking more about going back to see the psychologist. Is there a point in seeing a councellor if you go into it not wanting to be there? or is that the case with most people when they go to councelling? It really frusturates me when everyone else seems to think they know whats better for me. I really see no point in going if i’m not going to be "into" it, then on the other hand I have to, so there is no point complaining about it. I’m definatly going to see if I can see someone else. The therapist I’m seeing just seems to want me say and do things that are just a waste of time. She doesn’t let me talk about things I want to talk about, she has her own agenda. She must just have this whole session timetable sorted out… I dunno.. I just know that I honestly do not want to go back to her anymore. I don’t want to see anyone anymore. I’m in such a predicament!
Lifes a Bitch…. and then you die…