"I'm dying"," It must be a heart attack", My husband picked me up off the floor and took me outside and layed me in a deck chair  for some fresh air. He then preceded to call poison control, because I had been staining boards and thought maybe the fumes were getting to me. ( we were remodeling our basement at the time) Poison control said my symptoms were not from fumes and to get me to an E.R.

So the journey began to find out why I kept having these symptoms. After several doctor visits, heart monitors, etc, I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder, and it was their recommendation that I see a therapists for help. So…I found a therapist and was diagnosed with PTSD also. ( I was abused as a child, and some of it had come back to haunt me) Then the journey of trying anti-depressants — which for me turned out to be another hell. After months and several meds. they determined that because of the way I metabilize, I couldn't take the meds., actually I have problems even with O.T.C. meds. too. After my experience's with the meds., I then also became phobic about taking anything, even a vitamin.

I was having panic attacks at home, the grocery store, driving, everywhere. Within about 5-6 months, I was a hermit. Afraid to leave my home, afraid to drive, I quit seeing friends, didn't want to talk to anyone, (didn't want anyone to know what was happening to me, what a freak I had become) So I thought, I had never known anyone with this before. I had to have someone drive me or be with me when I drove. To sum it all up – I lost 2 years of my life, afraid of everything, afraid to leave my house, afraid of losing my mind, afraid I would die and my little girl would be home alone untill someone found me, you get the picture.. It was very hard on my children. They thought mommy was dying. I felt I was dying – a slow miserable death.

I went to a therapist weekly for about 1 1/2 years, took classes, and read ALOT of books, and prayed. I first had to deal with my childhood issues, and then had to learn to say NO, which I'm still learning, amongst other things.

When I read my journals from way back, I realize just how far I've come. I still struggle with GAD, but I work, I drive, I go to the grocery store, I see friends, and I have accepted that I had GAD and will continue to learn ways to change the way I think. Key word – THINK…….So much of anxiety is what we tell ourselves and our belief systems. And I haven't been very nice to myself.

I have freedom now!!! Some days I still get very pissed off that I have to struggle so much, but then I try to remember how far I've come   🙂    I was chained and now I have freedom. I continue to work on the way I think, the things I say to myself, how I let other people affect me, on knowing my limits.

And so it is..

And just because this is at the bottom of my blog, please don't think it is the least important, because it is the most important, of my journey.  My prayers to God, God beside me through this journey, has been what's gotten me through it all….He never said life would be easy, but He said He would never leave me! So it is my prayer tonight that God be with you all.