last night was bloody awful- i dont how or why it happened or what i even did wrong to make it happen, but my step mum just went mental about me.
it was just me my dad & her at the dinner table, my dad was talking so obviously i was quite and listening to him, & my step mum just got up from the table took her plate and walked off slamming every door on the way to her room. i asked my dad to go after her because no doubt it was about me, so he went to talk to her & i could hear her shouting about me, saying " since she came back from her mothers she’s been fuckin misrable", theres more but its long to type it all. so i broke don in tears, grabbed my shoes and walked out the back door- i made it to my friends house to find she wasnt in, so sat on her door step n cried my eyes out- i could barely stand i was shaking that much from crying. i went back home becasue there was no were for me to go & my mobile was almost out of battery. i found my dad about to get in his car to lookk for me. he asked me to come inside and talk & sort everything out. i tried to push him away n told him i didnt want to and im sorry i came back.
dad made me go inside- were he tried to talk to me.
to be honest my dad has knowen that ive not been not been happy for a long time, we talked abit but i as crying to much to speak properly. i managed to tell him that i havent stopped harming my self and that im struggling with social anxiety. but then my stepmum came down n made the whole thing a lot worse. she was just bitch and rude. i apologised to her- even thought i dont know what ive done wrong.
i went out last night till 2am havent spoken to ither parent since i left last night. it its now almost 2pm and no one has come to find me or cheak im even here, they havent even rang my moblie to find out were i could be. ive been in my room all day. alone. for all they know i could have slashed my wrists, or taken another overdose. i want to cut my self so badly right now, but i actually dont have the strenght to find anything to do it with.
i feel so empty & unwanted. like im to much of a burrden on this fuckin family. they make me hate myself so much.
they knew what the problems were, they were told at the begingin of the year- about the rape, about my self harming, about all of that. but they just assumed it all went away that i was better just becasue i didnt say anything- they never look deeper than what they saw. all becasue of my fuck persious anerexic step sister who is 19 for fuck sake, ive lived with her shit for 7 years. she’s ok now shes been out of a unit for almost 2 n half years i think, maybe 3. but everyone’s life revolves around her, her boyfriend, her eating, her uni, everything is her. we all have to change to suite her. aswelll as my step mum. they control everything. i hate it, they make me sick to my stomach. i wish i could just pack up and leave n never see them again. i cry all the time becasue of them and the way they make me feel. im a size 12 they are both size 6-8 . imagine trying to live with that!? constantly seeing people skinner than you, who get up set when they putt on a pound. i try and try to not let it affect me, but it does so much. i hate myself. i hurt my self becasue i hate to look at myself.
they have no room to listen to me. they have no space or time to care for me.
i never thought that home would be my own personal hell.