Well, I was wrong about having a therapy appointment yesterday evening~ which really upset me. I felt so needy and thought that the appointment would alleviate some of that feeling…but it will have to wait until Thursday afternoon. (sigh)

I'm frustrated and relieved today, a strange combination. I checked my work schedule this coming week, and I was only given one shift, for a total of 5 hours! We're really stretched thin on money right now and I need all the hours I can get. I know that my manager is just trying to be careful because of my foot injury, but I can walk around now with only a limp. Today I finally see the podiatrist about it~ YES! It's been a long 2 week wait for this.

I'm glad to say that I don't remember any dreams from last night, and that I slept well. I was so proud of myself this morning~ I woke up on time! I made myself go to bed at 9:30 and didn't take any over-the-counter sleep aids, and I think that the combination fixed the issue. We'll seeafter a couple of days of this method.

I'm so glad to know that other people are experiencing the dream problems too. I thought maybe it was just me. I too have been experiencing this for a long time~ even before meds. My dreams were always too vivid and real to me, and no one could understand why I was so affected by them. "It's just a dream Keya. Let it go!", I'd always hear. I think it started while we were living with my maternal grandmother and she was dying of lung cancer. It was a terrifying experience for a 7 year old. During that time I also started sleepwalking and talking in my sleep as if I were awake. To this day I still have conversations with people while I'm asleep, and then they don't understand why I don't remember any of it. My husbandfinds it amusingbecause he knows about it and sometimesbrings us weird topics to just see what I'll say. I'm still afraid of the violence that sleep brings for me though. I'm scared of letting myson sleep in my bed with me because during dreams of fear or violence I become violent physically; kicking, punching, cursingand slapping. It makes me feel like an awful person. In a way I'm glad thatmy husband works nights, because then I don't have to be concerned about hurting anybody in my sleep~ except maybe the wall and myself.

I'm really fighting with sexual issues right now, and have been fora few weeks. It's a very sensitivetopic so I don't normallydiscuss it. But all the years of molestation fromdifferent people andsome of thepeople who were closest to me hasdone something terrible to me. I can't be fully present during intimate times~ I have to be able to close myself in my own little world to get through it or have a chanceof enjoying it. I don't want anyone kissing me ortouching my face during itand I cannot handle any feelings ofbeing physically trapped. I'm so dang messed up that I don't even know where to start. While I understand that none of what happened to me was my fault, it doesn't change how I feel about myself having any kind of sexual feelings. I feel dirty and wrong and repress them to the point that they're almost none-existent. This is so hard on my husband. Luckily for me he's understanding and has known me long enough to realize when I'm having a bad time. If I can't handle being intimate he'll immediately stop and just cuddle me instead. I've talked about this with my therapist before, but it's a continuing problem. And being on the meds doesn't help at all when it comes to this area. 🙁

Although my morning started out well I'm feeling low. I don't know when the last time I put on make-up was, or did anything with my hair besides pulling it back into a ponytail to keep it out of my face. Normally I paint my nails about once a week or every other week, and it's been at least a month or more since I last did it. It's all signs of the lingering low-grade depression that doesn't go away…even with the Lamictal. But I'd rather have the low-grade depression than the bad types that I used to have. And the Lamictal isn't going to fix all of it~ they warned me of that in the beginning. They just told me that it would help even me out my severe mood swings.

I still really don't feel like going out today, but it apparently is out of my control. Besides the podiatrist appointment I have to pick up Zachary from afterschool care, and then we're all going to a small party at my mother-in-law's house to celebrate Sarah's going away to college at the end of the week (Aaron's little sister). This will be the first time I've had any contact with my mother-in-law since we house-sat for her a month ago and I finally hit the end of my rope with her b.s. I'm not pleased about having to spend time with her. I have to remember to leave my personal feelings about her at the door and remember that this is about Sarah's big achievement and celebrating with her. I'll just keep my words to a minimum with Pam (mother-in-law). That's the best I can do.

As usual I'm spending a lot of time with my animal friends today, especially because I'm low. It's so much easier to talk to them about my feelings or not at all. They don't mind and are good listeners. Often I sing to them and they love it, which makes me feel better. So many people don't understand my bond with animals, and often I can't understand how they don't have it themselves. I was born with it. Animals are as attracted to me as I am to them. Maybe they sense my love for them, or my gentle nature with them~ but I feel it's a gift. I'm so grateful for it.

I don't have the energy to do any work downstairs today. I'm just burned out for the time being. So I'll leave it until Aaron can help me with it this evening.

As for Atlanta, apparently we're leaving next Friday, not this one. We'll be there for 3 days, leaving early Friday morning and checking into our hotel when we arrive. Friday night we're going to try to get all the heavy moving in the evening when it's cooled off some~ for everyone's sake, but most of all Dad's. On Saturday we'll finish moving the rest of the stuff into the apartment, but then the rest of the weekend is going to be spent doing things for ourselves. We're going to go to the Atlanta Aquarium (which I'm REALLY excited about~ it's supposed to be one of the best in the country) and then the museum of Coke (my husband's desire, but okay, maybe we'll get free soda!). Then Sunday afternoon we'll head home.

I'm aggravated by this because it means taking money out of our already dwindling savings, but since we have to be there anyhow, we might as well enjoy it.

I hope all of you have a decent day. Hopefully the podiatrist will have some helpful news and relief for me, and that I don't blow up at my mother-in-law tonight. Pray for me.