About ten years ago, if anyone would have asked, I would have told them I had in increadibly blessed life. A hard working husband, three amazing children and though we didn’t have much financially, we were rich in love.

Now, After his second open heart surgery, his three strokes, and his on going siezures and memory loss, I’m still waiting for someone to tell me that I’ve been pranked. That all this has been some huge and cruel joke.

We moved from TX to TN about 5 years ago to help take care of our parents, who just happen to be married. (They married a few years after we did).

From that point, things went to hell. One thing after another after another…ETC…. Now, I don’t communicate with my husband. I’m angry that I’ve spent so much time taking care of him and now he might as well be in a grave. He doesn’t do anything. He doesn’t spend time with us. There’s always a medical reason why he’s incapable of accomplishing something. He treats our kids like a rug. Well, all except the one he favors. The one that looks and acts just like him. The other two might as well not even be seen. He’s great at saying he’ll do something and not, which is a major peeve, especially being that I’ve raised our kids to understand that your word is your bond. You do what you say and say what you do. And me? I’m left to pick up the pieces. I used to think ok, there’s a valid reason that he can’t. But after ten years of going through this with him, I no longer believe that. I believe that he’s given up. That he just doesn’t care that life still exists. That children need to be nutured and wives need to feel loved and appreciated.

We’ve been seeing a counselor for about 5 mths now. I think it’s just making things worse. She agrees with me and doesn’t understand how somone who knows that thier relationship is going to the birds can just sit back and watch. According to him, I have manipulated her. Sure, thats me, the manipulator! Makes me feel lovely.

I used to try and talk to him. It’s crazy< I don’t seem to have a problem communicating with anyone else about anything in particular, but I can no longer communicate with my own husband. It turns into a nasty, dangerous argument with the ugliest things spewing from his mouth. If I try and leave or tell him I don’t want to continue with it, I don’t have that option.

Like yesterday, the kids and I were on our way to the park. I asked if he wanted to go… and BAM here we go. Appearently I don’t care wether or not he lives or dies. The only person that’s been by his side through all of it, and I don’t care.

My response? (Whats the point! You live as if your already dead anyway). It might have been harsh, but it was my truth.

I don’t know when he’ll go off. I used to walk on glass with my words, now I don’t even speak. That way I can’t say anything wrong. Of course now I get yelled at for looking at him the wrong way.

I feel like Im in a no win situation that I’ve done everything I know of to try and get through. And I’m really scared because I know myself. I would never take these kids away from thier dad. I would never put them through a court battle and believe me, there would be one. My husband is relentless when it comes to getting his way.

And these days, when we argue, I find myself contimplating things I never have before. Ways to just end things to try and avoid anyone else getting hurt. He used to lift my up, now he puts me down. I here how selfish and non caring I am. And Just Maybe, a part of me is starting to believe his lies. Maybe I want too much. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I don’t care. maybe I AM going to hell for my inability to forgive and most importantly, to forget.

 

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